'Modern London' Monopoly only has dark blue properties

A NEW edition of Monopoly has every property, from Old Kent Road to Mayfair, coloured dark blue and priced at the maximum rate. 

The game still awards players £200 for passing Go but property prices increase by 20 to 60 per cent every turn, with rent payable on every square from the outset.

A spokesman for manufacturers Parker Brothers said: “It’s long overdue an update. I mean, a Free Parking square? In London?

“Most properties already have luxury apartment blocks on, raising rent to around £2,000, the utilities are privatised, Community Chest is means-tested and if you land on a train station you have to buy an annual season ticket.

“It’s still possible to win the game if you’re lucky enough to only land on Chance squares and the other players agree to club together to share a place.

“Of course within a couple of turns you’re in unmanageable debt and have no choice but keep joylessly playing and paying the bank for the rest of your life.”

Eleanor Shaw of Croydon said: “You know what looks good? Jail looks good.”

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Britain wants Jurgen Klopp to be its stepdad

BRITAIN’S football fans have admitted that having Jurgen Klopp as a stepdad would be great.

After the Liverpool manager made people actually care about a Burnley-Watford match last night, the consensus was that having him around when you went back home would be ace.

Arsenal fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve always thought Arsene Wenger would be a distant, patrician type who would constantly remind me what a disappointment I was to my mother but Jurgen would get me pissed on home brew in his shed.

“He’d pop 20 Regal into my top pocket, ruffle my hair and we’d go and watch Jaws together on his massive telly.”

Klopp stood in for Sky pundit Gary Neville and was immediately inundated with requests to permanently replace the former Valencia punchline.

Thousands called in to the show to ask the producers to pass on a photo of their mum with her phone number on the back and a comment on how good she looks for her age.

Hayes said: “Most people’s step-dads just make the bathroom a no-go area after Christmas dinner, like I reckon Sam Allardyce does.”