Big Sam doesn’t give a f**k

ENGLAND manager Sam Allardyce has confirmed that he could not give a fuck what anybody says.

Big Sam responded to allegations he used his role to negotiate a £400,000 deal by asserting that he is not in a position to care less.

He continued: “My baseline is already that I don’t give a fuck, everyone knows that, frankly it’s insulting to suggest otherwise.

“I said Woy was a bollocks manager and England were crap at the Euros? Obviously I’m wrong, that’s why I’m manager now. 

“Go ahead, sack me. I hear Pep Guardiola’s interested. Oh no, wait, no he fucking isn’t.” 

An FA spokesman said: “In light of recent performance, we no longer consider any misdeeds while England manager to be a sacking offence. 

“We are in no position to do so.” 

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Cyclist who stopped at red light questions own manhood

A CYCLIST who failed to ride right through a red light has been left wondering if he is any kind of a man.

Tom Booker, 31, had a four second corridor of opportunity to avoid oncoming traffic at a junction in East London. However, instead of taking advantage of it, to his subsequent shame and disgust, he applied his brakes.

Booker said: “Traffic lights are for physically feeble people, cars and lorries. Not the strong, speedy and righteous. 

“I was about to sail through that gap, staring impassively through my visor as I did so, when a pathetic little voice in my head said to me, ‘Now, Thomas, remember the Highway Code isn’t just a book of handy suggestions.’

“It happened the other day, too. I was cycling at a steady 26 miles per hour along the pavement, texting an application for a graphic design job. 

“Then, I felt this pang of remorse telling me to slow down, put my phone away and maybe consider the possibility that I might mow down a toddler in my twattish hubris.

“What’s happening to me? Am I going to grow breasts? Please tell me I’m not going to grow breasts.”