Most Households Now Switching Energy Supplier Every 20 Minutes

MORE than 50% of British households are switching energy supplier three times an hour, according to an industry survey.

Regulator Ofgem said Britain has embraced the switching culture thanks to a combination of rising energy costs, price comparison websites and an endless stream of confusing bullshit.

The most popular reasons for changing supplier include boredom, concerns over the use of hybrid embryos and 'that funky black gospel choir with the shiny jumpsuits'.

Nikki Hollis, from Watford, said: "So far today we've been with Scottish Hydro, Southern Electric and nPower.

"But I've just been speaking to EDF who told me nPower make their electricity by squashing cats in a vice. I told them I'd have to think about it."

Wayne Hayes, from Chester, said: "I joined E-On because they said their Off-Peak Friendly-Juice was three times cheaper than Atlantic's PeakLife EcoMeter, but it turned out that was just a lot of shit they told me over the phone."

He added: "I'm planning to make some lunch using EDF, listen to Leona Lewis with British Gas and then switch to Ecotricity so I can watch Lark Rise to Candleford with something approaching a clear conscience."

Ofgem said there were now 8.6 million different tarriffs available from more than 16,000 different suppliers, most of whom also provide high-speed broadband, basket weaving lessons and a free pig.

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Mugabe Demands 5000 Gazillion Dollar Pension

PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe has agreed to resign in exchange for a pension of 5000 gazillion Zimbabwean dollars a year.

Mugabe, in power since 1980, has insisted his long service entitles him to two-thirds of his final salary plus a lump sum.

Government officials are now preparing to buy up two million acres of Scandinavian spruce to supply Zimbabwe's paper mills and have commissioned 1000 trucks to deliver the monthly cash allowance to the ex-President's stolen farm.

The lump sum will be stored in a fleet of tankers, an office block and a football stadium.

Meanwhile the country's economists are devising a new number for the final cash total. The current favourite is a 'mugillion'.

Sources close to Mugabe said he would spend his entire first month's payment on a really nice pen.

The outgoing president has also spoken of his shock at losing to the opposition MDC.

"My 2002 manifesto stated quite clearly that I would push inflation beyond 500,000 percent a day, put absolutely everybody out of work and beat seven shades of shit out of anyone who disagrees with me.

"Despite fulfilling these pledges I offered to push inflation even higher, to make everyone even more unemployed and to find that elusive eighth shade of shit to beat from my enemies.

"I just don't understand people anymore."