MPs 'may have been misled' by arse-covering lounge lizard

A PARLIAMENTARY committee may have been misled by an unctuous corporate sleaze-ball who was there for the sole reason of covering his sorry arse.

It has emerged that James Murdoch may actually have been aware of one thing about the company he runs and could now be forced to pay lawyers to come up with a skilfully modernised version of what he actually knew.

Murdoch approved a payment of £700,000 to Gordon Taylor after the News of the World hacked into Taylor’s voicemail and revealed he had been responsible for almost 20 years worth of English footballers.

But earlier this week Murdoch told the culture, media and sport committee that at the time he did not know the paper had also been hacking the phones of everyone else who was alive at the time.

But two former News International executives have now pointed out that Murdoch is someone who always been very keen to remain immensely rich and not in prison.

Former NotW editor, Colin Myler, said: “Like many people across the country I watched James Murdoch on the telly and thought, ‘that guy is obviously full of bullshit. How is he getting away wth this?’.

“The carefully rehearsed answers, the overstated contrition and, you know, his face and stuff.”

He added: “Oh yeah, and then last night I remembered that he also got this email a couple of years ago which – if he read it – means he knows everything.”




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Ketamine 'works like ITV2'

RECREATIONAL mule tranquiliser ketamine affects the mind in a similar way to programmes about Peter Andre, experts have claimed.

Research into the effects of the drug on the human mind has revealed direct parallels with ITV2’s sub-lowest-common-denominator series about abs, sunshine and vaginas.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Ketamine produces a sense of disengagement from reality, a literal mind-numbing which can be pleasurable in small doses but if taken to excess will make you shit your brain out.

“Now remove the word ‘ketamine’ from that last sentence and replace it with Kerry Katona: The Next Chapter or The Vampire Diaries.

He added: “Hopefully this discovery will allow us to help ITV2 users by weaning them off Gossip Girl and onto increasingly large doses of ketamine. Mental health-wise there are no substantial benefits but at least they’ll make less noise.”

Veterinary anaesthetic ketamine was introduced into the club scene in 2001 after it was discovered that unconscious horses were actually having a wicked time.

Ketamine fan Stephen Malley, from Swindon, said: “As befits someone who snorts evil-smelling crystals off of speakers at illegal techno parties, I’m not concerned about K’s ‘long-term health effects’. To me ‘long term’ means ‘tomorrow’.

“However I am alarmed that it might be a gateway drug for aspirational television.

“And come to think of it, I did recently find myself, for no apparent reason, wondering what Peter Andre has for his tea.”