MUMS have formed a militia to defend their favourite branches of Marks & Spencer by any means necessary, they have confirmed.
As the UK retailer announces that it may be closing 100 shops, mothers who rely on easy access to sensible sandals and big pants that hold in wobbly bits have declared that they are ready to fight back.
Mum-of-three Carolyn Ryan, 56, said: “They took Maplin from our husbands and now their spirits have been crushed because they can no longer spend hours shopping for weird cables.
“We can’t let the same happen to us. Highly trained rebel groups are poised to enter at-risk branches posing as nice ladies looking for toilet pedestal mats, before pulling AK-47s from their jute tote bags and claiming the stores as their own.
“Being the sort of matronly types who tut disapprovingly when someone gets slapped on Eastenders, we’d rather do it without resorting to violence. However, we’re prepared for a few lives to be lost if it means we aren’t forced to buy our clothes from George at Asda.”
She added: “They may take our lives but they’ll never take our cotton blend textured cardigans.”