Mums will defend threatened M&S stores 'to the death'

MUMS have formed a militia to defend their favourite branches of Marks & Spencer by any means necessary, they have confirmed.

As the UK retailer announces that it may be closing 100 shops, mothers who rely on easy access to sensible sandals and big pants that hold in wobbly bits have declared that they are ready to fight back.

Mum-of-three Carolyn Ryan, 56, said: “They took Maplin from our husbands and now their spirits have been crushed because they can no longer spend hours shopping for weird cables.

“We can’t let the same happen to us. Highly trained rebel groups are poised to enter at-risk branches posing as nice ladies looking for toilet pedestal mats, before pulling AK-47s from their jute tote bags and claiming the stores as their own.

“Being the sort of matronly types who tut disapprovingly when someone gets slapped on Eastenders, we’d rather do it without resorting to violence. However, we’re prepared for a few lives to be lost if it means we aren’t forced to buy our clothes from George at Asda.”

She added: “They may take our lives but they’ll never take our cotton blend textured cardigans.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Unimaginative 8-year-old's favourite dinosaur is a T Rex

A QUITE frankly unimaginative boy has loudly declared that his favourite dinosaur is a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

8-year-old Wayne Hayes highlighted the rather obvious giant carnivore in his World of Dinosaurs book, to the disappointment of friends and relatives.

Father Brian Hayes said: “I mean, come on. Everyone likes the T Rexes. It’s like saying your favourite colour is blue.

“It just goes to show that he hasn’t genuinely engaged with the field of palaeontology. He’s a feckless dilettante, flicking carelessly through his dinosaur books until he finds the one with the biggest teeth and most menacing eyes.

“Disappointing.”

Other 8-year-old Tom Booker said: “Who’s even into T Rexes these days? They’re rather passe, don’t you think?

“Actually my favourite dinosaur is the Apatosaurus. You’ve probably never even heard of it.”

However Wayne Hayes said: “T Rex goes rar! And bites all the other dinosaurs!”

He added: “You love what you love. I don’t care. The Diplodocus people can fuck off.”