‘No, I am not in the f**king garden,’ says home worker

A MAN who works from home has reiterated for the eighth time today that he is not sitting in the garden.

Wayne Hayes, a video editor, has so far spent 40 per cent of each call explaining that he is working indoors and a further 25 per cent hearing how hot it is in the head office.

He said: “I have three monitors and a Mac Pro pumping out the heat of a three-bar fire, so moving my work outside would require a fork-lift.

“Nevertheless, my last call from those air-conditioned bastards began ‘Managed to reach the phone from your hammock, did you?’.”

Hayes added: “Yes, I’m in shorts. No, that does not mean my working day is a tropical paradise of cocktails in coconut shells and reggae music.

“Still, I suppose it makes a change from them asking if I’m still in my pyjamas. Arseholes.”


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Sunderland to spend £30m on someone, anyone

SUNDERLAND has pledged to smash its transfer record to bring in anyone, anyone at all.

While other Premier League teams have spent heavily on new signings, Sunderland face being left behind unless they can persuade a player, any player, to sign for them.

Club chief executive Martin Bain said: “We’re close to finalising a hugely exciting £30 million transfer that will show we’re a team to be taken seriously. All we need is a player.

“If anyone out there wants to play for Sunderland, give us a ring and ask for Martin. We can give you a hundred grand a week and a personal chef.

“Just get in touch. Please.”

Wolfsburg forward Bas Dost said: “My agent told me a Premier League club were very interested in me. I asked which Premier League club, and he squirmed a bit and said it was one of the ones that has red in its strip.

“Eventually he admitted it was Sunderland, and that playing for Sunderland would involve me living in or near Sunderland. Plus, I may have to do whatever Sam Allardyce told me to and I don’t think I’d be comfortable with that.”