Heatwave sees huge rise in whingeing twats

THE heatwave currently hitting Britain has led to a huge rise in people moaning about it.

Social media has caught the brunt of the rise with many expressing their annoyance at the pleasant weather via whiny, pathetic status updates.

Tom Booker, a moaning bastard from Stevenage, said: “How can anyone like this weather?

“A little bit of warmth is alright but this is ridiculous. I’m literally sweating.”

Booker’s co-worker, Emma Bradford added, “He moans about autumn too.”

Meanwhile, Donna Sheridan from Peterborough, said: “I rang my Dad, who I haven’t spoken to this year, to wish him a happy birthday.

“After the initial awkwardness the first thing he said was ‘Bloody hot out, isn’t it? Too hot in my opinion’.

“I hung up.”

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Trident ‘only effective against Labour party’

TRIDENT is useless apart from making the Labour party look like pacifist weirdoes, one of Britain’s top generals has warned.

Experts increasingly believe the missile system has no value against conventional forces or terrorism but is 100 per cent deadly when directed at Labour’s electoral chances.

General Sir Norman Steele said: “All the Tories need to do is raise the issue then sit back and watch the devastation as Labour tries to be anti-nuclear, pro-nuclear and incredibly patriotic at the same time.

“As Labour starts arguing viciously with itself there’s likely to be an anti-Trident demonstration full of aggressive protesters and dreadful juggling hippies who instantly alienate normal people.

“Meanwhile, some Labour MPs will decide to support Trident because it’s the only way to appeal to moron voters who fantasise about nuking ISIS. They just end up sounding like shifty liars.”

He added: “It’s all a bit unfair really because everyone knows Trident is a huge waste of money. I’m only allowed to say it without being called unpatriotic because I used to shoot people with a tank.”