No work done since last Tuesday

BRITAIN’S workers have long since stopped doing anything remotely productive, it emerged last night.

Bankers are allowed to bring in Kerplunk

Despite employees being obliged to keep turning up until pretty much the end of the week, nothing much at all has been done across the entire spectrum of British industry since about 11.25 am on the 14th of December.

Office unit, Martin Bishop, said: “It’s a bit like non-uniform day at school, except it lasts for about a fortnight and you probably shouldn’t bring Mousetrap in. You still have to arrive every morning, but really you’re just flesh on a chair.

“Pick up the phone a couple of times a day while making a serious face and you won’t get any bother.

“By this stage I’ve already looked at everything on the internet that remotely interests me, including things that are as near to porn as I think I can reasonably get away with. Luckily I found an old magazine about antique chairs in the recycling bin so that’s been keeping me going.”

He added: “Tum-de-tum-de-tum.”

Employment expert, Emma Bradford, said: “It’s not strictly true to say that the entire UK pretty much gave up doing anything a fortnight ago. There’s still some people working hard, who can be categorised mainly as ‘hospital workers’, ‘shop staff’ and ‘twats’.”

Tube driver Roy Hobbs added: “In my line of work, you can’t really slack off over the festive season, what with all the Christmas shoppers making the train slightly heavier.

“And while, as we all know, a child could do this job with their eyes shut, it’s times like this when I could really do with a hot bath and a nice relaxing strike based on absolutely nothing.”