Nostradamus Predicted 2010 'Would Be Bad Year For Buy-To-Let'

THE prophecies of Nostradamus include warnings about fluctuations in the UK property market, it was claimed yesterday.

The Institute for Studies has examined the more obscure writings of the 16th-century seer, discovering quatrains foretelling the current dip in house prices, including:

  • Many shall be beguiled by the two-headed beast, 'Kirstyanphil
  • They will buy in supposedly 'up-and-coming areas'

  • They will make some mainly cosmetic changes

  • But then all the money fucks up and a new age of darkness does commence.

Nostradamus's other predictions included warnings that new build 'designer' flats are unlikely to hold their value, and that buying anywhere near Richmond is a bad idea as it will be completely destroyed in the War of the Many Headed Sea Dragons, sometime in the latter half of 2013.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "The buy-to-let market was one of Nostradamus's main interests, after the occult.

"Indeed, historical records show that during the Great Plague he used his powers of prophecy to predict the areas which would remain unaffected by pestilence and therefore desirable.

"He then bought several properties with excellent potential as 'projects' and decorated them in a style five years' ahead of its time.

"He was like a bearded Sarah Beeney, but not quite as creepy."

Historians believe Nostradamus's house price predictions came when he entered a trance-like state, during which he would commune with a group of smug demons at a kind of metaphysical Satanic dinner party where the culinary theme would be 'modern eclectic dining' and the background music sounded a bit like Corinne Bailey-Rae.


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Chinese Writer Claims Avatar Has A Plot

CHINESE novelist Zhou Shaomou has sensationally claimed that James Cameron's Avatar has a plot.

Shaomou, whose name means 'Michael Jackson lyric' in Mandarin, is suing the director for £97m after stating that Avatar lifted several key story details from his novel Blue People Of The Allegory Mountains.

He said: "My reputation is in tatters now everybody knows I write stuff that could be turned into something like Avatar.

"I'm an absolute joke in the fantasy fiction community, which as you can imagine takes quite some doing.

"I spent seven years writing my 1.2 million word book, only for James Cameron to make a fortune out of it by trimming it to 18 hours, adding loads of brilliant explosions, marketing it really well, having an innate sense of populist tastes and… well… look, that's not the point.

"Oh, and then there's the 3D. Have you seen the 3D? Good lord."

Shaomou claims he first noticed the similarities when the film passed the $1bn mark at the box office, adding: "I suddenly realised there was something very familiar about all that money."

Entertainment law specialist, Nathan Muir, said: "Shamou doesn't stand a chance. Any half-decent lawyer will be able to prove that the Avatar storyline is what happens when a maniac rolls around the New Age section of Waterstone's covered in Blu Tac."

Last night James Cameron rejected accusations of plagiarism adding: "You talkin' to me? Because frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. But go ahead, make my day because I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more."

He added: "And by the way, we're going to need a bigger boat."