THE prophecies of Nostradamus include warnings about fluctuations in the UK property market, it was claimed yesterday.
The Institute for Studies has examined the more obscure writings of the 16th-century seer, discovering quatrains foretelling the current dip in house prices, including:
- Many shall be beguiled by the two-headed beast, 'Kirstyanphil
- They will buy in supposedly 'up-and-coming areas'
- They will make some mainly cosmetic changes
- But then all the money fucks up and a new age of darkness does commence.
Nostradamus's other predictions included warnings that new build 'designer' flats are unlikely to hold their value, and that buying anywhere near Richmond is a bad idea as it will be completely destroyed in the War of the Many Headed Sea Dragons, sometime in the latter half of 2013.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: "The buy-to-let market was one of Nostradamus's main interests, after the occult.
"Indeed, historical records show that during the Great Plague he used his powers of prophecy to predict the areas which would remain unaffected by pestilence and therefore desirable.
"He then bought several properties with excellent potential as 'projects' and decorated them in a style five years' ahead of its time.
"He was like a bearded Sarah Beeney, but not quite as creepy."
Historians believe Nostradamus's house price predictions came when he entered a trance-like state, during which he would commune with a group of smug demons at a kind of metaphysical Satanic dinner party where the culinary theme would be 'modern eclectic dining' and the background music sounded a bit like Corinne Bailey-Rae.