Now the recycling man won't know how much wine you drink, says Waitrose

WAITROSE has launched a new bring-your-own-container policy so the neighbours and binmen will never know how much you drink. 

The supermarket, which believes itself to be better than the others, is trialling refillable rice and pasta to provide a convenient smokescreen for its core customer base of middle-class alcoholics.

A spokesman said: “No more pretending that you’re having a dinner party to the checkout girl. No more sneaking your clinking bottles out in the dead of night. No more shame when the binman catches your eye.

“Instead you can pull your BMW, Audi or Volvo around to the back, present whatever five-gallon container you need for that day, and fill her up. A nice drop, too. Decent Savignon Blancs. For decent people.”

Solicitor Francesca Johnson said: “You know those thermal insulated coffee mugs that nobody looks twice at if you’re drinking in the car? I’m filling 12 of them, in rotation.

“Plus I’ve got a petrol can full of brandy, two six-pint milk containers of a robust Sancerre, and an emergency jogging hydration bottle of tequila.

“That should see me alright until Friday morning.”

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Imagine watching that interview, but the British f**kwit is your prime minister, say Americans

AMERICANS have asked Britons to watch the Morgan-Trump interview again, but this time imagine the British idiot is now leading their country. 

The desperate Americans told Britain they can only understand how dire their situation is if they picture Piers Morgan somehow becoming prime minister.

Joe Turner, a teacher from Chicago, said: “Ignore the orange dickhead for now. Focus on the other one.

“A guy you’ve always despised, who’s been a proven fuck-up for years and has a track record of being a laughing stock and a failure.

“Someone who, for unknown reasons, still has a job and spends most of his time picking bullshit fights on Twitter, and then boom – he’s your top guy.

“There might even be enough of you to actually make him the ruler of your country. All of sudden it will happen and you won’t ever really understand how.”

He added: “Imagine the horror of that actually taking place before your very eyes. Then you’ll understand how it is for us. Please. Help.”