All the palaces in the world aren't worth three days of this, says Queen

THE Queen is contemplating abdicating the throne if anyone ever again tries to make her spend three days with President Trump. 

Her Royal Highness, who like all 93-year-olds has no time for your bullshit, is on her third day escorting the white-eyed cretin and admitted she has thought of walking away.

She said: “Bloody Theresa May arranged this state visit. She spent an hour with him. I’ve been on shift since bloody Monday.

“The family have been very good at getting in his way and giving me a break – miraculously after all these years we’ve found a use for Andrew – but the moment Trump and his sulky wife see me, they make a beeline.

“I must have sat through five hours of ceaseless bragging yesterday, none of it remotely connected to reality. At one point he told me he’d met the Queen. I was sitting right there.

“Today I’ve got to smile politely while he tells me what he knows about D-Day. When he gets excited he acts bits out. And makes the noises.

“I’ve lived a life of gilded opulence. I’ve had the best of everything. But if they told me he was staying until Friday I would break my crown and abandon my throne without a second of regret.”

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Guests unaware that crisp bowl is also sick bowl

DINNER party guests have been kept unaware the bowl they have been served Kettle Chips from was last week used as a child vomit receptacle.

The large dish from Next is the perfect size and shape for serving salad, snacks or simply catching the projectile puke of a toddler.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “It wasn’t originally a sick bowl. It was pressed into service suddenly one evening, but now they ask for it. It comforts them.

“On other occasions I’ve used Tupperware, saucepans, the Lego box, a junior fireman’s helmet and my cupped hands, but it’s the salad serving dish that’s been enduringly popular.

“It’s wide, shallow, light and can just as easily contain gourmet crisps, a Caesar salad or regurgitated carrots laced with bile. It’s a wedding gift that really paid off.

“I don’t tell guests, though. Why should I? It’s been through the dishwasher. It’s fine.”

Bradford admitted that she also omits to mention that the spot on the sofa where her sister-in-law sits is where little George suffered his massive liquid shit explosion.