Death of iTunes 'like Berlin Wall coming down'

CELEBRATIONS are continuing worldwide after the victory the world feared it would never see: the day iTunes was finally defeated. 

The life-ruining application’s reign of terror has lasted 18 years since debuting in 2001, a whole generation grown up in its terrible shadow, but was announced as shuttered by Apple yesterday.

28-year-old Helen Archer said: “It can’t really be gone. It’s a trick. We can’t have been made free, overnight.

“Since I first downloaded mp3s it’s been there, monolithically blocking my every attempt to play them, every click routing me back to the dreaded iTunes homepage to sell me music I already had.

“Twice it’s deleted all my music because I’d bought a new Apple device like you’re supposed to and it got angry. It hides films. Once it shat a U2 album all over everywhere.

“And now it’s gone? Forever, crumbled to nothing? Will Bruce Willis finally be able to will his iTunes library to his children?”

Archer added: “With iTunes gone I can listen to my mp3s again, so I’m unsubscribing to Apple Music.”

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If you don't want to eat chlorinated chicken, you could always just read the f**king label, say experts

PEOPLE worried about eating chlorinated chicken have been advised to read the label on any chickens that they buy.

Experts said that a free trade agreement with the US may lead to chlorine-washed chicken in UK supermarkets but the agreement would not mean you will be force fed the chickens by the police.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Lots of frozen chlorinated chickens will come over from America in a big ship. A big lorry will then take the frozen chickens to a big supermarket.

“This is where you come in.”

He added: “When you pick up the chicken have a look at the label. If it says ‘made in America’ you can react in two ways. You could say ‘oh lovely, chlorinated chicken’ or you could say ‘I don’t want to eat chlorinated chicken’.

“Then you either buy the chicken or spend the money on chocolate, which is what you really want to do anyway.”