NSA offers to make Google's tax problems 'go away'

THE US National Security Agency has assured Google it can make its tax problems just disappear into thin air.

As the search giant came under renewed pressure from MPs over the corporation tax it doesn’t pay, the NSA asked the MPs if they were absolutely sure they wanted to do this.

An NSA source said: “Google have been most accommodating to our internet requirements in recent years so we felt it was only fair to map out a mutual back-scratching scenario.

“We call it ‘Operation Blackmail Politicians’.”

The agency has the names, addresses and innermost secrets of all the MPs on the House of Commons Public Accounts Committee and has assigned each member to one of its ‘special operatives’.

The source said committee chair Margaret Hodge and her colleagues must be ‘very brave’, ‘very forgetful’ or ‘very curious’, adding that they were in for a ‘quite a thrill’.

The source added: “Have you ever been in a car that is on fire, out of control and hurtling towards a cliff? Well, if we’re doing our job properly the MPs should feel a bit like that. Especially if you were to fill the car with tarantulas.

“Of course none of this need happen. All that is required is for the committee to remember that we are all on the same side. Our side.

“Every day we spend blackmailing the red hot shit out of them is a day we could probably have spent stopping terrorism and stuff.”

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Turkish protestors threaten to deploy drunk Britons

PROTESTORS in Turkey have threatened to utilise drunk Britons against government forces.

Leading anti-government groups have said that although they are personally committed to non-violence, British package tourists would have no qualms about kneeing police in the genitals.

A spokesman said: “It’s a ‘nuclear option’, but we have allies within the tourist industry who could cut off the supply of chips and Stella to Marmaris within 48 hours.

“When the 18-30 hordes start asking questions, we just blame the government.

“These people do not run from water cannons, rather they just stand there with their mouths open and say ‘Put it there, Stavros’.

“And tear gas? To a woman smoking sixty Lambert & Butler a day, it does not even make the mascara run.

“They are like the beserkers of Norse mythology, but fatter and more sunburned.”

The Turkish government has so far taken a hard line against the protesters, but admits concessions may be offered if threats to stop vital shipments of Bacardi Breezers are carried out.

Prime Minister Erdogan admitted: “Turkey survived invasions by Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan. But if the alcohol stops flowing in Dalaman, my country will be laid waste in a matter of hours.”

Former Club Reps Uncut cast member Tom Logan said: “I don’t know what secular means but I’ll happily fight to the death for a kebab with all the trimmings on it.

“And then I will get my arse out.”