Office brainstorming session produces nothing but evil thoughts

A GATHERING of workers to generate business ideas only produced dark and twisted visions, it has emerged.

Attendees were supposed to be coming up with ways of generating new clients, but account manager Wayne Hayes could only envision a huge Mongolian Death Worm rising from the floor and swallowing them all, then being digested alive for eternity.

Hayes said: “My manager said ‘interesting, let’s unpack that idea’ but I could tell he was freaked out.

“In my head I started summoning the tormented souls of dead office workers who were made to endure ‘thought showers’ in the past.

“It may have worked because suddenly Debbie from marketing’s eyes rolled into the back of her skull and she said ‘it’s a no-brainer’ in this terrifying strangled voice.”

Meanwhile colleague Mary Fisher’s mind drifted to the possibility that every time the manager said ‘let’s run that up the flagpole’ his head would spin round spewing toxic Cappuccino fluid over everyone.

Fisher added: “A selection of donuts were laid on to help ‘inspire creativity’ but they may have just spawned a new generation of serial killers.”

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37-year-old woman thinks DJs are cool

A WOMAN in her late thirties still believes DJs are cool, it has emerged.

Mother-of-one Nikki Hollis is still in childlike awe of people whose job is to play fast music to people on drugs.

She said: “DJs are incredibly talented individuals. I mean Stephen Hawking might know about time and the universe and so on, but he couldn’t play a banging set at World Dance in 1994 like Kenny Ken did.

“People who say DJs just play other people’s music haven’t experienced Sasha at Bagley’s which was like watching a composer conducting a symphony, except everyone’s nutted on pills.”

Sensible car owner and sewing fan Hollis added: “The best DJs are Grooverider, Groove Armada and Easygroove, because having the word ‘groove’ in your name is pretty awesome. Apparently it even says ‘Grooverider’ on Grooverider’s Visa Delta debit card.

“And what about when hip hop DJs do scratching by moving the record back and forth? I just don’t know how they do that.

“The only people more amazing than DJs are MCs. Especially Sharkey and Mongoose, they should probably get the Nobel prize for services to rave.”