How to organise a shit Christmas do

CHRISTMAS would not be complete without a traditionally shit workplace bash, but how should you go about organising one? Read our guide.

Choose a restaurant with the dreaded ‘Christmas set menu’. Visit beforehand to ensure the turkey is more like beef jerky, the salmon weirdly rectangular and the vegetarian option is a slurry-like mulch called simply ‘Vegetarian Meal’.

Seat people inappropriately. If you work with a shy, bookish 50-something woman, put her with your worst laddish sales guys who will just talk about cars and anal sex.

Book an activity that is a massive pain in the arse when people just want a relaxing drink and a chat, for example 10-pin bowling or something called ‘Lazer Zone’ that nobody even understands.

At least one co-worker should mysteriously disappear en route from office to venue and miss the entire thing, possibly never to be seen again.

Alternatively, have your party in the office. The depressing surroundings and Twiglets will make everyone feel as though they’re in a particularly caustic Mike Leigh play about the futility of modern life.

Organise mildly humiliating or suggestive games like passing a balloon to each other with your knees. If players almost touch groins be sure to shout ‘Wahey!’ like a fucking idiot.

Take lots of pictures and post the most unflattering ones on Facebook. Add ‘hilarious’ captions that are actually just inappropriate, such as “Roy the alkie!” or “Emma ‘Two Chins’ Bradford!”

At the end of the evening make everyone go looking for a late-night bar you dimly remember going to once and which, after 40 minutes of trudging around, is shut.