CHRISTMAS would not be complete without a traditionally shit workplace bash, but how should you go about organising one?
Choose a restaurant with the hellish ‘Christmas set menu’. Visit beforehand to ensure the turkey is more like beef jerky, the salmon weirdly rectangular and the vegetarian option is a slurry-like mulch called simply ‘Vegetarian Meal’.
Seat people inappropriately. If you work with a shy, bookish 50-something woman, put her with your worst laddish sales guys who will just talk about cars and anal sex.
Book an activity that is a massive pain in the arse when people just want a relaxing drink and a chat, for example 10-pin bowling or something called ‘Lazer Zone’ that nobody understands.
Alternatively, have your party in the office. The depressing surroundings and Twiglets will make everyone feel as though they’re in a particularly caustic Mike Leigh play about the futility of modern life.
Take lots of pictures and post the most unflattering ones on Facebook. Add ‘hilarious’ captions that are actually just inappropriate, such as “Roy the alkie!” or “Emma ‘Two Chins’ Bradford!”
At the end of the evening make everyone go looking for a late-night bar you dimly remember going to once and which, after 40 minutes of trudging around, is shut.