Office Of Fair Trading Takes Four Years To Discover Builders Are At It

THE Office of Fair Trading last night defended taking four years and millions of pounds to discover that builders might just be at it.

The OFT launched the investigation amid concerns that builders' quotes seemed to be drawn up in some strange, parallel universe where everyone who is not a builder is an idiot.

Wayne Hayes, who made the initial complaint, said he was surprised the investigation had taken so long.

"To be honest, I thought if I walked into the OFT and made a complaint about how builders can be a bit dodgy they would take one look at me and go, 'D'UH!'

"'D'UH, D'UH, D'UH, D'UH, D'UH, D'UH, D'UH, D'UH, D'UH!'

"Then I thought they might stick their tongue inside their bottom limp and wobble their head around going, 'mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmmm' and call me a 'spazzy'.

"But instead they were like, 'Really? Are you serious? That's incredible', and then put half their staff on to it."

It is the OFT's first major, national investigation since it spent three years and £5 million discovering that there was actually nothing wrong with your exhaust.

Mr Hayes added: "I know I can't build an extension on my own, but does that give some fucking Sun reader the right to charge me 800 quid a day to ruin my garden and show me photos of his six bedroom villa in Santa Ponsa?"

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Rising Sea Levels To Reach Ronnie Corbett

EXPERTS have upgraded their estimates on rising sea levels, predicting they could submerge Ronnie Corbett within a decade.

The previous worst-case scenario involved melted glaciers lapping around the chin of Taxi star Danny DeVito.

Now climate scientists are warning that humanity is facing the loss of not only DeVito, but Holland, Norwich and a couple of thousand half-naked Samoans, as well as the golf-loving Scottish comedian and his beloved chair-based anecdotes.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The planet is now so toasty we will almost certainly lose an entire generation of stars under 5' 6"

"Joe Pesci – gone. Dustin Hoffman – gone. That bloke who played the angry dwarf in Lord of the Rings – gone."

Last year the Jaws and Close Encounters star Richard Dreyfuss paid $2 million for a pair of titanium stilts while members of Jockey Club are to stage an all-Jockey version of Bugsy Malone in a bid to raise enough money to build tree houses for them and their tiny families.

Meanwhile the Institute has published a revised sea-level scale, starting with Kenny Baker, the little man inside R2D2, and rising through DeVito, Corbett, Tom Cruise and the average Welshman.

Professor Brubaker added: "Unfortuntely Mel Gibson should still be able to breathe, though his nipples will get thoroughly drenched."