Olive Oil Only, and five other unbelievably niche shops they only have in posh towns

VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there: 

Olive Oil Only

Apparently extra-virgin isn’t good enough for the inhabitants of Smedley-upon-Wem, so they pop to a convenient specialist to slather their pans in an choice selection of chilli and saffron-infused nectar of the gods. But does do really nice free samples served with poncy crackers.

Dead Flowers

Dried flowers used to be a granny thing, but in Cockwich-sub-Castle they’re every middle-class woman’s go-to and whole shops are devoted to unusual dried grasses pieces at £8 a pop. Named after the Rolling Stones song, also now kind of a granny thing.

Paper Dispensation

No-one writes anything by hand nowadays, so the absurdly wealthy are getting into it. That and early retirees taking up sketching means a shop selling fancy paper is a viable business in Market Frecklesworth. You pick up a ream of A4 for the printer and leave it at the counter when it costs £22.

St Bede’s Uniform Retailer to the Gentry

School skirts are two for £12 at Sainsbury’s but not if your daughter gets into St Bede’s Costermonger’s Free School, formerly Astlebury Grammar. Uniform only available at their special shop in the poshest nearby village, where an ankle-length kilt will set you back £50.

Jynnan Tonnyx

Since gin was culturally appropriated from serious drunks, little boutique stores have opened up across the land with 150 different brands of gin that all taste the same but have a slightly different version of a pheasant with a monocle as their mascot.

Bathmats of Yore

Not content with a single interior design shop run by a vile man in a cravat, Slocombe-by-Water is so well-heeled it can support the absurd side hustle of a vintage shop entirely devoted to Victorian bath mats and bathing equipment. Don’t go in unless you like feeling inferior to a tablecloth.

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Tory fans already excitedly wondering what next weekend's massive f**k-up will be

FANS of the Conservative party are already speculating as to how they will top the last two weekends’ big old f**k-ups next weekend. 

Following Johnson and Sunak’s self-isolation U-turn a week last Sunday and Sajid Javid’s cowering-from-Covid U-turn yesterday, keen Tory watchers are coming up with outlandish ways for the party to be even more cravenly hypocritical.

Joe Turner of Stafford said: “Can they get a third week out of Javid getting Covid? Or is it time for a different cabinet member to treat the public with utter contempt?

“It really is so exciting every Friday, going to sleep not knowing what’s going to happen over the next couple of days but knowing it’ll be massively offensive to the electorate.

“Remember when Hancock wasn’t resigning? Fantastic weekend. At the time it felt like a one-off but they’ve just kept building and building from there. It now doesn’t feel like a Saturday if I’m not howling with rage at a deceitful government bastard’s lies.

“My fan theory is that Boris and Carrie will be jetting off to Mustique, but there are great ones online about Gove’s SPAD boyfriend and Liz Truss ripping the NHS off for millions by supplying dodgy PPE. Can’t wait to find out.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Other governments take the weekend off. Not us. We spend it mocking petty Covid rules then getting caught and insincerely apologising.”