One in five HSBC cashpoint transactions to release snakes

TWENTY per cent of HSBC cashpoint withdrawals will release deadly venomous snakes in order to restore the bank’s profits, they have confirmed. 

Following a fall in profits of almost a third, HSBC has undertaken to restore itself to financial good health by killing one in five customers and keeping their funds.

A spokesman said: “This is a fair, equitable way of sharing the bank’s international risk portfolio with our ordinary account holders who are, after all, the bedrock of our business.

“A mere fifth of withdrawals, chosen entirely at random, will instead of cash release a saw-scaled viper and a standard form saying that in the event of your death all your funds and property revert to ourselves.

“I hope that, in their final, agonisingly painful moments, that brand loyalty will be the last thing those customers feel. And that it is a comfort to them.”

HSBC account holder Emma Bradford said: “I’ll probably use contactless more. But to be fair it’s far from the worst thing they’ve done.”