One in five HSBC cashpoint transactions to release snakes

TWENTY per cent of HSBC cashpoint withdrawals will release deadly venomous snakes in order to restore the bank’s profits, they have confirmed. 

Following a fall in profits of almost a third, HSBC has undertaken to restore itself to financial good health by killing one in five customers and keeping their funds.

A spokesman said: “This is a fair, equitable way of sharing the bank’s international risk portfolio with our ordinary account holders who are, after all, the bedrock of our business.

“A mere fifth of withdrawals, chosen entirely at random, will instead of cash release a saw-scaled viper and a standard form saying that in the event of your death all your funds and property revert to ourselves.

“I hope that, in their final, agonisingly painful moments, that brand loyalty will be the last thing those customers feel. And that it is a comfort to them.”

HSBC account holder Emma Bradford said: “I’ll probably use contactless more. But to be fair it’s far from the worst thing they’ve done.”

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Trump gives three-hour talk about UFOs

AFTER claiming the US election is rigged, Donald Trump has given a lengthy slideshow presentation about UFOs and lizard aliens.

Trump outlined a variety of UFO-based conspiracies using ‘classified’ documents, dozens of blurred photographs and books including Above Ultra-Secret: The Real Alien Files.

He said: “Rigging an election is nothing to a government that allows the Zeta Reticulans to abduct humans for anal probing in exchange for inter-dimensional portal technology.

“It’s been going on for years but the Men in Black cover it up. It’s only because I’m so rich and powerful I can talk about it without ending up as a breeding specimen in a slave colony on Neptune.”

Trump then spent 20 minutes discussing a massively enlarged photo of an ‘alien mothership sending out drones over Nevada’, which could also have been a cloud and some birds.

He continued: “Once you start digging it all falls into place. Roswell, the assassination of JFK, Betty and Barney Hill, 9/11 – there’s only one conclusion.

“Hillary is a robot. Or more specifically, a ‘womandroid’.”

Trump supporter Tom Logan said: “Any government that grows human-alien hybrids in jars would definitely rig the election. Apparently they get Bigfoot to eat the voting slips.