Pathetic worker pretended he didn’t want to go home

A CONNIVING office worker pretended he would rather crack on with more work than go home at five ‘o’ clock, it has emerged.

Snake-in-the-grass Tom Booker stayed at his desk while colleagues filtered out, waiting for someone to tell him to go home so that he could do his self-serving pretend workaholic routine.

After thirty or so people totally ignored him, marketing co-ordinator Emma Bradford asked why he was not packing up.

He said: “Is it five already? I’m just getting stuck into this report.

“I don’t feel ready to go yet. Maybe I’m a weirdo but I actually enjoy this sort of thing.

“You guys get off, don’t worry about me. I should probably have more of a home life but I’m just so into work!”

However Booker’s bullshit pretence had unexpected consequences when colleague Mary Fisher, who is also a shallow careerist, faked concern for his well-being.

She said: “Come on Tom, you need to have a break or you’ll burn out. I can take on some of your workload if it’s too much for you.”

Onlooker Stephen Malley said: “It was like a horrible fake-off. The fake workaholic versus the false samaritan, both only thinking about their own career advancement.

“They’d make a perfect, awful couple.”

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Everyone injured at middle-aged football game

A GAME of football between 40-year-old friends has left everyone involved injured.

Retail manager Tom Booker organised the casual game at a local sports centre, and was the first to be carried off as his ankle gave out while walking onto the pitch.

Booker said: “I thought I was still pretty fit for my age but perhaps working in an office has taken its toll. I was definitely disappointed to be out of proceedings before they began.”

Booker’s 43-year-old cousin Roy Hobbs was next to succumb, dislocating his knee by kicking the ball. He said: “The lady from the sports centre put some ice on it but it looks like a grapefruit. I might have to go to hospital.”

The pattern continued when Booker’s brother-in-law Stephen Malley jumped up to head the ball, injuring both his back and neck in the process.

He said: “I heard a crack, and then another crack. Probably some discs or cartilage or something, whatever it is I won’t be going to work this week.”

After the 12 minutes’ warm-up kickabout, all players on both teams were injured and the pitch was empty apart from an overweight marketing executive who couldn’t get up.

Tom Booker said: “It was still fun though, we’ll definitely do it again next week.”