Poppers users wondering how else to get pounding headache

AMYL nitrate users are concerned about where they will get their instant headaches if it is made illegal. 

Poppers are currently legally available from unpleasant shops, but may soon become illegal and thus only available from local drug dealers.

Clubber Julian Cook said: “Poppers give you a short-lived high as a side effect, but really it’s all about getting the biggest headache imaginable.

“You just can’t get poppers-strength headaches through natural means, God knows I’ve tried.

“I once spent three hours with my head pressed against a washing machine on full spin and didn’t get a tenth of the right-behind-the-eyes-bastard a whiff of amyl can give me. 

“The next time I need a real teeth-clenched-silently-weeping headache, one of those where I can’t even open my eyes for the pain of the light blooming and fading, where will I go?”

He added: “I suppose there’s always carbon monoxide. That’s legal, so it can’t be bad for you.”

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Woman with wheelie case leaves trail of destruction in her wake

24 PEOPLE have been hospitalised by an ignorant person’s wheelie case.

Accountant Emma Bradford left a trail of broken bones, sprained ankles and crushed toes as she pulled her wheelie case from Paddington station’s train platforms to its underground entrance with remarkable indifference to her fellow humans.

Onlooker Roy Hobbs said: “With its rigid handle fully extended, her case was stretching out about a metre behind her. It was more of a portable trip hazard than a piece of luggage.

“One man toppled over it and landed face-first with the sickening crunch of teeth on stone. I’m surprised she didn’t hear that and turn around.

“Then she took out an entire family and they fell in a big heap, like in a Batman comic when he beats up a gang.

“I guess she was just fixated on her destination and didn’t give a fuck.”

Finally turning around to see the groaning bodies sprawled across the concourse, Bradford said: “Some idiots really don’t watch where they’re going, do they?

“I only hope my pants, t-shirts and beach-reading paperback are not damaged.”