Most firemen not particularly handsome

THE majority of firefighters are pretty average looking, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that less than two per cent of fire prevention operatives have a chiselled jaw and washboard abs.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most of them aren’t calendar worthy, in fact many firefighters could pass for coach drivers or members of other un-sexy professions.

“The good looking ones only do the job for about six months’ anyway before they get headhunted by a male stripper outfit like the Dream Boys and change their name to ‘Lex Montana’.”

Fireman Wayne Hayes said: “My job is charging into burning buildings and rescuing people, not to be some kind of go-to sex object for unimaginative housewives.

“However I do moisturise and exfoliate, you have to when working around all that dry air.”

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Ask Holly: How can I make living in an embassy more interesting?

Dear Holly,

I’m really REALLY bored. When I first arrived at the Ecuadorian embassy, I was secretly quite pleased to have loads of time on my hands to watch Netflix in my pants, but it only took me about three weeks to watch all the decent stuff. The other day I was so desperate I watched Eat Pray Love and contemplated going outside to be arrested once and for all. Do you think it’s time to get Amazon Prime?



Dear Julian,

What you really need is a dead cat to look at. The best time ever was when we were bored hanging about the town during the summer holidays, and then word went round that there was a dead cat in the quarry. It was floating in a ditch that had filled up with rainwater. We all ran down there and poked it with a stick and threw rocks at it and then a security guard chased us away. I hope my life continues to be full of such thrilling episodes.

Hope that helps,