Peeping Tom on moon given telescope

A PERVERTED old man living in a crater on the moon is given a telescope to spy on couples having sex in John Lewis’s Christmas advert.

The heart-warming advert, in which a little girl helps a lonely voyeur 238,900 miles from his nearest dogging site find joy again, has already been hailed as “the true meaning of Christmas”.

A John Lewis spokesman said: “Christmas is a time for thinking of others, so spare a thought for the dirty old man on your street whose only sexual gratification will be stuffing his turkey.

“Don’t close the curtains when you get undressed this season. Don’t turn off your hacked webcam before sex, and if someone’s rubbing up against you on the bus let them.

“It’s a gift that costs literally nothing to give but could mean the world to someone spending Christmas alone.”

The advert, which ends with a fast zoom out from the moon to the sound of unzipping and a cackle of filthy laughter, has already doubled sales of telescopes, night-vision goggles and telephoto lenses.

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Arsenal to focus on qualifying for Champions League so they can go out of it

WITH Champions League progress unlikely, Arsenal will now focus on securing the chance to exit the Champions League early next season.

Defeat against Bayern Munich has left the Gunners on the brink of elimination League, but in the long term it may be a blessing in disguise as it will allow them to focus on longer term failures.

Arsene Wenger said: “Our plan is to book our place in the Champions League as quickly as possible so we can look ahead to getting eliminated from the Champions League next year in order to focus on qualifying for the Champions League.

“Of course there will be short term thinkers who questioned the wisdom of losing to Dinamo Zagreb and Olympiacos and would like us to win trophies now, but that’s not the Arsenal way.”

Arsenal fan Stephen Malley said: “It’s important that the club is always looking to the future, even if the future is a constantly moving concept.

“I used to take my six year old to the Emirates every weekend but instead I’ve just told him to make sure he brings his children.”