Petrol going up to stop everyone moving to France

THE price of petrol is increasing to stop everyone from moving to France, it has emerged.

The government fears that if people were able to drive somewhere better for less than the cost of a house, the only remaining Britons would be the twelve retired company directors that still genuinely believe in Brexit.

As well as making fuel prohibitively expensive, petrol stations have colluded to only sell enough to get motorists to the next one. Stations within driving distance of ports have been removed.

A government spokesman said: “To further deter you from going anywhere, it is now five quid for a shitty Ginster’s pasty and eight pounds for a bottle of water to wash its foul residue from the inside of your mouth.”

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Woman who describes herself as 'random' actually means 'really annoying'

A WOMAN who claims to be ‘so random’ is actually just a massive pain in the arse, her friends have confirmed.

31-year-old Nikki Hollis has used the excuse of being random to justify crashing her car, quitting her job to attend a hula hooping summer school and sleeping with an Ocado delivery driver the day before she was due to get married.

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Randomness seems to be a get out of jail free card for people like Nikki who enjoy doing idiotic things but aren’t prepared to take responsibility for them.

“I was prepared to tolerate it when we were in our twenties and being random meant she would get hammered and throw up in her shoes. However, I’ve got two kids now and whilst they think it’s funny when Auntie Nikki turns up with a duck she’s stolen from the local park, I don’t.

“I just keep hoping she’ll do the ultimate random thing and go and join a cult somewhere distant like Kuala Lumpur.”

Hollis said: “I know everyone hates me. But I can’t help it because I’m so random!”