Petrol going up to stop everyone moving to France

THE price of petrol is increasing to stop everyone from moving to France, it has emerged.

The government fears that if people were able to drive somewhere better for less than the cost of a house, the only remaining Britons would be the twelve retired company directors that still genuinely believe in Brexit.

As well as making fuel prohibitively expensive, petrol stations have colluded to only sell enough to get motorists to the next one. Stations within driving distance of ports have been removed.

A government spokesman said: “To further deter you from going anywhere, it is now five quid for a shitty Ginster’s pasty and eight pounds for a bottle of water to wash its foul residue from the inside of your mouth.”