Pointless Thing Starts

WORLD leaders meet in London today amid the highest levels of security ever to surround an incredibly pointless thing.

Historic delegates from more than 1200 countries will crowd into an unprecedented warehouse in Docklands and shout at each other for seven ground-breaking hours before going home and doing whatever the hell they want.

Meanwhile, as the summit finalises plans for a global system of banking regulation, banks across the world will be finalising their plans for how to get round it.
One senior banker said: "Despite everything that's happened it is important to remember that they're just politicians and we're still much, much cleverer than they are."

Other pointless outcomes from today's summit are expected to include: Military-style uniforms for the International Monetary Fund; A pledge to remember to promise more aid to poor people; Extra money for Americans to spend on piece-of-shit cars; and an international network of ropes and pulleys.

The Chinese will demand new measures to boost consumer spending on small plastic objects with sharp edges, the French and Germans have drawn up a list of 18 impossible things that absolutely have to happen, while Britain would just like some nice photographs for Gordon Brown to look at when he stops being prime minister next year.

But as the delegates thrash out a complex regulatory framework for the post-recession global economy, experts praised the Reeves Two-Point Action Plan, developed last Saturday night amid incredibly lax security and half a dozen vodka and cokes by Bristol-based painter and decorator Charlie Reeves.

Mr Reeves said:" It's a simple but, I believe, effective plan that involves the banks doing two things. One: start lending money again. And two: stop being cocksuckers."

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Capello Forced To Choose Between Dreadful And Laughable

ENGLAND boss Fabio Capello has admitted he faced a tough choice between dreadful and laughable to partner Wayne Rooney in tonight's Word Cup qualifier against Ukraine

Capello revealed he had been forced to use barn doors and a cow's backside for target practice in a bid to solve this month's least appalling striker dilemma.

He said: "Crouch grazed the barn from six yards out, so he starts. My initial choice was between a drunken baby giraffe and a headless duck. We even considered a Spurs player."

However, when the England coach called Darren Bent to discuss his availability, the Spurs striker ruptured both hamstrings answering the phone, then fell down a flight of stairs onto a pair of rollerskates, before being dragged behind a lorry for several miles and then falling down a manhole.

Capello added: "We're actually missing Emile Heskey. Let that sink in for a moment…"

A win could see England top their group by eight points, but the coach warned: "There are no easy international games any more. Except Andorra. Okay, Kazakhstan too. Christ, there's actually a lot of shit out there, isn't there?"

Ukrainian striker Andriy Voronin said: "Liverpool fans called me a fat Legolas with the pace of an oil tanker in cold treacle but I will show I'm more than a lumbering porn-alike," before taking 20 minutes to storm out of the press conference.

Meanwhile, Michael Owen has vowed to get back into England contention by 'training hard, doing well for my club and then fucking off to America to play in a glorified pub league'.