PR professional unable to make people like her

A PUBLIC relations professional is unable to make people like her, it has emerged.

Despite her job requiring her to make people warm to her clients, Emma Bradford finds it impossible to behave pleasantly herself.

Acquaintance Helen Archer said: “Emma made the public like a tallow factory’s giant cow mascot, so I’ve got no idea why she can’t act like a human being when she meets new people.

“If she’s not telling them how much her shoes cost, she’s tutting when they talk about their family.

“I introduced her to my partner and she took me to one side and asked why his face was that shape. Then she started talking about how he needed to ‘rebrand’ if he didn’t want to ‘look like he’s shit the bed in front of his core demographic.'”

Bradford said: “Do you think chefs want to cook themselves a meal when they get home? Fuck off.”

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Weirdo going to festival for the music

A WEIRD man has admitted that he is going to a music festival for the music.

Unlike the every other person attending the three-day gathering, Tom Booker is not planning to get fucked up, have sex or both.

He said: “I’m really looking forward to seeing so many of my favourite artists all in one place.

“I know it will be crowded and the toilets will be horrible and I’ll have to camp, but that’s a small price to pay for this kind of musical experience.”

He added that he would probably have a couple of pints per day, but wouldn’t want to be getting ‘out of control’.

The friends he will be camping with, meanwhile, have stocked up on beer, spirits, MDMA and enough weed to kill Snoop Dogg.

Booker added: “I’ve made a military-type plan which includes a good mix of headliners and interesting ‘up and coming’ bands, although I’m not afraid to be ‘in the moment’ if, for example, I stumble upon an interesting reggae act while I’m walking between stages.

“Then I’m going to go home and write a really fucking long review on my blog.”