PREMIER Foods has unveiled a new range of bastards who smell like fresh strawberries.
The Mr Kipling owner is branching out from cakes with a range of organically-made business school graduates imbued with the company’s horrible philosophy.
A spokesman said: “Add one of our bastards to your life and watch them screw the fuck out of anybody who pisses you off.
“These monsters don’t leave the factory unless we’re sure they can inflict abject misery wherever you point them.
“And everything your bastard does is 100 percent legal. Which makes them even more scrumptious than a dirty little pie.”
The spokesman added: “They smell like strawberries because people like strawberries.
“You fucking morons.”