'Price cap' means f**k all, energy companies admit

ENERGY companies have admitted that the words ‘price’ and ‘cap’ are just meaningless sounds they like to say every now and then.

With energy bills set to go up in October and then again in January, gas and electricity companies have admitted that the term ‘price cap’ is just random words they have no intention of acting upon.

Shell Energy spokesperson Nathan Muir said: “‘Price cap’ has always been a ridiculous nonsense term we all laughed at in the office, like Lewis Carroll’s ‘snark’ or ‘boojum’, but we managed not to let the cat out of the bag for decades.

“We used to say it every few months because you all looked so happy when we did. It made you feel all fuzzy and secure and you’d celebrate by ordering a takeaway. We might as well have said ‘vogon jiggle trapezoid’ for all it mattered.

“But when we looked up the words in the dictionary we were mortified. They had no correlation to any of our pricing strategies or business plans. An upper limit on how much we can wring out of you? That’s the complete opposite of what we’ve got in store.

“Think of it more as a cap that you wear on your head. One that you can take off whenever you feel like it. In our case, we’re going to be taking it off again and again from now until the end of time.”

BP boss Bernard Looney said: “It’s a similar deal with triple-lock pensions. Why do you need to secure retirement payments that many times? Just use one decent metaphorical lock instead of three shitty ones.”

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Half a lager and in bed by 10pm: Rishi Sunak's guide to enjoying a party

RISHI Sunak recently revealed he has never taken drugs and thinks they’re ‘horrific’. Here’s his guide to sensibly enjoying yourself at a party.

Arrive promptly

I like parties that begin on time which is why I arrive promptly, or 45 minutes early. The hosts have to put up with me sitting awkwardly in a corner while they dry their hair and take vol-au-vents out of the oven, but hearing them mutter ‘F**king Rishi’s early again’ means you can also leave early after experiencing a sufficient amount of fun.

Accept one small drink

I’d rather not drink at all, as alcohol is a gateway drug to all kinds of dangerous substances such as ‘horse’ (that’s heroin), but people seem to expect it at parties so I acquiesce and have one. I ask for half a lager and then say ‘Actually, could you make it a shandy?’ Then I pour it in a pot plant when their back is turned. I’m nothing if not polite.

Insist on parlour games

If people are allowed to mill around in an unstructured fashion indiscriminately pouring booze down their necks, they may become worryingly tipsy. To stop this happening, I suggest a good old fashioned parlour game. Everyone loves organised fun and it’s surprisingly hard to chug beer when you’re playing musical chairs.

Ask people if they think they’ve had enough

People get carried away at parties, so it’s important that someone remains sober and enquires on a regular basis if people think they’ve had enough. Weirdly this hasn’t won me many friends, especially not at the Number 10 lockdown parties. Michael Gove is especially sensitive to being asked, but when someone needs to go to the toilet that many times, they should really cut down on the liquids.

Leave before things get out of hand

You know the saying: when the fun stops, stop. For me the fun never starts, unless I’m cutting Universal Credit, so I’ll usually leave a party after an hour at the most. Then it’s home for a cup of hot water and bed by 10pm. No, I never touch Horlicks. It has something in it that makes you sleepy, which in my book makes it a mind-altering drug. Horrific.