By Ryan Whittaker
PEOPLE talk some shit about the hot weather. I mean, who’s ever injured themselves jumping off a cliff? Water’s really soft. Here’s more stuff they’re just trying to scare you with.
Broken glass can start a fire
You what? Apparently it focuses the sun’s rays and sets fire to dry grass. So why don’t we cook ready meals in a big bottle? It’s just the scientists messing with us again, like when they say ghosts aren’t real. How d’you explain noises in old houses then?
You shouldn’t water your lawn
This warning can f**k right off. It’ll rain and fill up the reservoirs again soon. It always does. Not that I care about lawns, it’s old people shit my dad’s into, like Blur. I won’t have a lawn when my rap career takes off, I’ll live in a luxury penthouse. You won’t find me emptying grass cuttings when I could be partying with fine-ass bitches.
There’s a risk of becoming dehydrated
Everyone drinks stuff. Are you telling me there’s people who can’t afford a can of Monster? What sort of massive pov would you have to be? Listen bruv, some of us have got a bullshit detector, and mine’s going off right now.
Don’t leave your dog in a hot car
Dogs sweat through their tongue, so they’ll be fine so long as their mouth is open. I looked it up on Google. Also there are no recorded cases of a dog melting. It just doesn’t happen. There’s no point trying to scare me with this dog bullshit because I have mad intelligence skillz.
Don’t exercise during the hottest part of the day
I gotta stay buff, so I’m not giving up my mixed martial arts exercises in my bedroom. If it’s really stuffy that’s just like endurance training, right? And what’s more dangerous, getting a bit hot, or being out of shape when you’re jumped by another crew?
Avoid excess alcohol
So drink lots of liquids, but don’t drink Scrumpy Jack on the swings in the playground? How can we trust experts when they keep contradicting themselves? It’s like our teacher Mr Galbraith who said ‘potassium’ when he meant ‘magnesium’, and pretended it was a ‘slip of the tongue’. He obviously doesn’t know shit and should be struck off.