Six heatwave warnings that are bullshit if you ask me. By a teenage dickhead

By Ryan Whittaker

PEOPLE talk some shit about the hot weather. I mean, who’s ever injured themselves jumping off a cliff? Water’s really soft. Here’s more stuff they’re just trying to scare you with.

Broken glass can start a fire

You what? Apparently it focuses the sun’s rays and sets fire to dry grass. So why don’t we cook ready meals in a big bottle? It’s just the scientists messing with us again, like when they say ghosts aren’t real. How d’you explain noises in old houses then?

You shouldn’t water your lawn

This warning can f**k right off. It’ll rain and fill up the reservoirs again soon. It always does. Not that I care about lawns, it’s old people shit my dad’s into, like Blur. I won’t have a lawn when my rap career takes off, I’ll live in a luxury penthouse. You won’t find me emptying grass cuttings when I could be partying with fine-ass bitches.

There’s a risk of becoming dehydrated

Everyone drinks stuff. Are you telling me there’s people who can’t afford a can of Monster? What sort of massive pov would you have to be? Listen bruv, some of us have got a bullshit detector, and mine’s going off right now.

Don’t leave your dog in a hot car

Dogs sweat through their tongue, so they’ll be fine so long as their mouth is open. I looked it up on Google. Also there are no recorded cases of a dog melting. It just doesn’t happen. There’s no point trying to scare me with this dog bullshit because I have mad intelligence skillz.

Don’t exercise during the hottest part of the day

I gotta stay buff, so I’m not giving up my mixed martial arts exercises in my bedroom. If it’s really stuffy that’s just like endurance training, right? And what’s more dangerous, getting a bit hot, or being out of shape when you’re jumped by another crew? 

Avoid excess alcohol

So drink lots of liquids, but don’t drink Scrumpy Jack on the swings in the playground? How can we trust experts when they keep contradicting themselves? It’s like our teacher Mr Galbraith who said ‘potassium’ when he meant ‘magnesium’, and pretended it was a ‘slip of the tongue’. He obviously doesn’t know shit and should be struck off.

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Six iconic film and TV vehicles that were actually a bit shit

REMEMBER how cool cars and vans used to look on film and TV? These six would be a pain to own and drive in real life.

The General Lee – The Dukes of Hazzard

Cousins Bo and Luke Duke looked effortlessly cool as they slid across the bonnet of their orange Dodge Charger and jumped in through the window. Yet when nine-year-old you tried it with your dad’s Ford Escort, you dented the bonnet and nearly broke your neck clambering through the window. At least it didn’t have a dodgy flag on the roof.

Invisible Aston Martin – Die Another Day

A car that’s nearly as shit as the film which spawned it. Finding your car in a supermarket car park is hard enough as it is, so imagine trying to find this bugger when you’ve popped out for a meal deal. Plus someone’s probably left a huge dent in it after trying to reverse into an apparently free space.

KITT – Knight Rider

An indestructible crime-fighting car that could talk to the driver wowed children in the Eighties. Except anyone who’s used a car’s sat-nav knows how infuriating it is to have a robotic voice coolly telling you how to get out of your housing estate. You’re not even on your way to bust a nuclear weapons shipment, you’re driving to the dentist.

The A-Team van – The A-Team

The A-Team, having promptly escaped from a maximum security prison and embarking on a life as fugitives, decide to travel round in a huge black van with a distinctive red stripe down the side. They couldn’t have been more conspicuous if they tried. Yes, it looked cool, but if you pulled a similar stunt you’d be caught and banged up within minutes.

The Flintmobile – The Flintstones

Fred Flintstone seemed to have it all. Good job, huge house, hot wife. His car was a piece of prehistoric crap though. Not only did it have rocks for tyres, but poor Fred had to power it with his surely bruised and blistered feet. It didn’t even have any storage space. Why didn’t he pick up an oversized rib on a woolly mammoth instead?

DeLorean DMC-12 – Back To The Future

The only cool thing about this car was its time travel capabilities, and even that was a ball-ache. How are you supposed to reach 88 miles per hour as you awkwardly meander around country lanes or inch your way through commuter traffic? Also the gull-wing doors would only be an impressive novelty on first use. After a week you’d be trading it in.