Primark creates clothing range for shoplifters

PRIMARK has launched a range of shoplifting attire with concealed pockets and other thief-friendly features.

Clothing in the Taken collection include a built-in mini barcode scanner, allowing wearers to calculate the retail and street value of their chosen items. It vibrates on detecting an item that can be returned for cash without a receipt.

A spokesman said: “Even though our price points are low, we’re keen to closely replicate catwalk trends. The big labels are doing urban sportswear, and shoplifting is the ultimate urban sport.

“I often walk through different branches for inspiration, and I see people stuffing their pockets with our socks and pants – the five pairs for a pound packs.

“Hopefully, these clothes will inspire them to be more aspirational in their stealing. I think the trousers are smart enough for going on the rob in John Lewis.”

Fashion blogger Carolyn Ryan said “It’s cheaper to buy a couple of the Primark pieces than it is to buy a roll of foil and line your bag with it.”

Seasoned shoplifter Helen Archer disagreed: “It’s important to dress properly for a day of shoplifting, but you can’t let your clothes do the work for you.

“I saw one poor boy taken down as he tried to out walk of Curry’s with an ill-concealed Kenwood Chef up the front of his special jacket, which he clearly thought worked as a Harry Potter style invisibility cloak.”

“Shoplifting isn’t for everyone. If you’re not that bright, you should try credit card fraud instead.”

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Child labourer oblivious to concept of Blue Monday

AN 11-year-old Indian brick-kiln worker has admitted he’s unaware that this is the most depressing day of the year.

Sunil Kumbhar, who doesn’t go to school because he works in a giant furnace in South India, said he’d never heard of the Western concept of ‘Blue Monday’.

He said: “You say it’s caused by a combination of rain, having spent too much on luxury gifts and feeling bad about breaking your New Year promise not to eat chocolate?

“I can see how that must be hard for you.

“My days are mostly pretty similar, except when I get beaten with a length of copper pipe for not making enough bricks.

“Probably things will stay pretty consistent for me in a hard manual labour, grinding poverty kind of way until I die aged about 45. Which also means I don’t need to stress about pensions.

“Anyway I really hope you guys are ok. Just try to stay positive, I guess.”