Primark 'must never be said aloud'

THE first rule of Primark is never talk about Primark, the bargain clothes retailer has confirmed.

Responding to ongoing uncertainty about how its name is pronounced, Primark said that you must, never, ever say its name.

A Primark source said: “It’s strict company policy that none of us ever say the word Primark out loud. We find it helps morale amongst staff if we all pretend the whole thing isn’t happening.

“Customers like to be able to skulk in, heads fixed on the floor and to furtively go about their shameful business as quickly as humanly possible.

“My friends and family think I work for MI5.”

Susan Traherne said: “I buy all my clothes at the shop which must remain nameless, but only under the cover of darkness.

“The other day someone asked me where I’d bought the top I was wearing. I put my hand over her mouth before she had finished the sentence.

“There is a place far below the shop, it is called the discount dungeon. You don’t want to end up there.”

She added: “The second rule of Primark is you never ask why it’s so cheap.”

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Bastard cat refusing to do that cute thing he does

A BASTARD cat has shown up his owner by refusing to do that adorable thing he does every day.

Mary Fisher’s cat Frenchie does a thing whenever he wants his water replaced, where he miaows and it sounds like ‘drinky’.

However he is not prepared to do it in front of her new boyfriend, even though Fisher has withheld his bowl in a slightly cruel manner.

Mary Fisher said: “Do it. Do it.

“He’s going to do it. Any second now. He’s going to do it.

“It’s so cute.”

A minute later, she added: “Just frigging do it you workshy fucker.”

Fisher’s boyfriend Tom Booker said: “It appears she spends her evenings pleading with her cat.

“This does not bode well.”