Prime Minister’s Brain Goes Into Receivership

THE brain of prime minister Gordon Brown has gone into administration, Downing Street has confirmed.

The receivers were called in yesterday just hours after the brain decided that banning 100% mortgages would make the slightest difference to anything.

The organ is now being managed by city firm Porter, Pinkney and Turner who will sell off whatever bits they can and feed the rest into a waste disposal unit.

Official receiver Martin Bishop, said: "For 20 years this brain was touted as one of the great cranial success stories, but when you actually open it up you can see it was all just a lot of carefully orchestrated bollocks.

"It became clear the brain was no longer a going concern when it proposed the 100% mortgage ban, as any functioning brain would have asked two unbelievably obvious questions.

"One – How do you stop potential home buyers just borrowing the difference? And B – How are you supposed to save up for a deposit when your electricity bill makes you pass out and half a pound of Tesco butter costs ninety-four fucking pence?"

He added: "Much of this brain is utterly useless. I suppose if you were very hungry you could spread it on toast, or you could use chunks of it to plug the leaks in an old canoe.

"I'm hoping that Virgin will rescue the bit that doesn't understand how anything works and turn it into a radio station. And we may also be able to get a few quid for the bit that pretends to like football."

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I’ve Been This Unbearable Since I Was Eight, Says Winslet

OSCAR winner Kate Winslet last night revealed she has been this unbearable since she was a little girl.

Collecting the award for best actress, Winslet told a cowering audience in Los Angeles how as an eight year-old she would stand in front a mirror, clutching a shampoo bottle and pretend she was 'the centre of the fucking universe'.

She added: "Then I would go downstairs and thank everyone who helped make our kitchen possible before gently pointing out that my rice crispies were the wrong shade of beige.

"And later I'd get one of my little school friends to pretend to be my publicist and make all the other children write pretend articles about how down to earth I was and how, for me, it all starts with a really great script."

Elsewhere the best actor award went to Sean Penn for his towering portrayal of the world's first homosexual glass of milk, while Penelope Cruz, the Spanish hair-style, was named best supporting actress for finally getting her charlies out in a profoundly lesbian way.

An emotional Penn said: "The streets of heaven are too crowded with milk and milk-related products tonight."

But the evening belonged to the millionaire producers of Slumdog Millionaire and their triumphant, feel-good film about stomach-churning poverty.

Director Danny Boyle said: "None of this would have been possible without the untouchable beggars of Mumbai, the little rascals. I just hope this film encourages them to club together their annual incomes and buy a copy when it comes out on Blu-Ray."

Meanwhile Elton John, host of LA's most glamorous Oscar night party, said he was moved by the film, adding that his diamond encrusted slippers enjoyed it too.