Quaint market town would secretly love massive Tesco

RESIDENTS of a sleepy Shropshire market town would be absolutely stoked if a massive Tesco opened, they have confirmed. 

Approximately 1,500 of Bishop’s Castle’s 1,630 residents are secretly hoping the retailer will despoil their beautful town with a huge Tesco Extra, while the others would lose their jobs.

Joe Turner said: “It could be as big as the town itself for me. Just imagine.

“Parking that’s not all clogged with tourists, buying groceries without having to hear about Jan’s mother’s dog’s vet bill, and not paying £2.20 a time for a bottle of own-brand ketchup.

“Sherry who runs the cafe and second-hand bookshop’s launching a campaign against it. Of course she is. Her and Martin from the Co-op, whose stranglehold is killing this town.

“Pushing a gleaming trolley down aisles as wide as the ocean. Heaping it with TVs and clothing. Corporate, homogenised, but to me beautiful.

“And I’d have a Wetherspoons. I’m sick to fucking death of 400-year-old pubs with their locally-brewed craft ales.”

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Marriage in crisis to be completely fixed by salsa class

A MARRIED couple in crisis are confident that there is nothing wrong that cannot be fixed by salsa dancing lessons. 

Lisa and Tom Logan are on the brink of divorce after accusations of infidelity and financial irresponsibility, but believe two hours’ tuition in Cuban-American dancing will wipe all of that away.

She said: “It’s fun, it’s fitness, it’s bringing a little spice back to our marriage, it was this or Relate.

“Salsa, as everyone knows, completely erases problems like a gambling addiction or an affair with his cousin or just simply not liking each other. That’s the magic of those syncopated steps.

“Do I get a little thrill from being held by a series of strange men? Yes. Does it especially happen when I’m dancing with Diego, our instructor? Very much so, yes. Which is exactly what we need.”

Tom Logan agreed: “And since every other couple here is also in crisis, and we spend sweaty hours grinding against them, there’s no danger of us meeting anyone we like more.”

Instructor Diego Alvarez said: “Ah, so beautiful the dance of salsa. They will be swinging within the year.”