Record numbers poncing about in new cars

MORE Britons than ever are driving around in brand new cars like a bunch of total ponces.

Latest figures show an 11 per cent increase in people who can only validate their existence by showing you that they can afford a shiny box.

Tom Logan, a car salesman from Peterborough, said: “It has been a fantastic year for ponces.

“At one point we had 26 of them in the showroom at the same time, all desperate to buy one of those blue things over there.

“We gave them espressos and copies of Country Living so they could continue to feel important while we took their stupid money.”

Martin Bishop, who runs an Audi franchise, said: “We used to wait until after the customer had left before laughing at how ridiculous and idiotic they are. But things have picked up so much that we can now do it to their face.

“Last month I sold a Q3 arse-wagon to some twat for twenty eight grand. He said he thought it was a good deal ‘because the knobs are easy to reach’.

“As he was staring at the car I walked up behind him, put my hand on his shoulder and said ‘you are a complete cretin’. He couldn’t have cared less.”

Bishop added: “Thank you for my ponce conveyor belt, Top Gear



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Michael Gove's history lesson

GOOD morning class. I’m Michael Gove: the next prime minister and the man who puts the Gove in government.

I’m sad to hear that teachers, because they’re leftie Marxists, have been getting history wrong. Here’s what actually happened.

World War One: The lie that our troops were “lions led by donkeys” must be overturned. In truth, the lions were the visionary members of the officer class who invented the revolutionary tactic of swamping the enemy’s machine guns with donkey bodies.

Wilfred Owen: The poet’s famous line “Gas! Quick boys, an ecstasy of fumbling,” wasn’t inspired by a mustard gas attack but by a fellow soldier good-naturedly breaking wind in his face as a joke, the whinger.

The Crusades: Basically a Christian outreach programme, like the Salvation Army, which delivered improving leaflets to the benighted heathens of the Middle East. Created the wonderful reputation white people still enjoy in the region today.

The Revolutionary War: Historians claim that Britain and America fought each other in this war, but that could never have happened because we’re both the goodies. Clearly some kind of administrative mistake.

World War Two: Evidence that the Soviet Union defeated the Nazis on the Eastern Front is obviously false, because they were Communists and only a nation built on free-market principles with privatised utilities could be successful.

Dunkirk: Revisionists have called this a British retreat, but actually it was more like an early D-Day but a little bit slower and slightly more backwards.

Italia ’90: BBC lies that Chris Waddle kicked a crucial penalty into the sky have been disproved by amateur historians on the Daily Telegraph’s comment desk, who uncovered new evidence that he buried it in the net and England beat Argentina in the final.