Ryanair Planes To Smell Strongly Of Urine And Faeces

BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.

The company said that by removing the toilets, adding extra seats and transforming its planes into flying cesspits it was simply keeping pace with customer expectations.

Chief executive Michael O'Leary said: "Passengers should feel free to urinate on their seats or into a cup which they can then hand to the cabin crew who will be going up and down the aisle with a couple of buckets.

"Inevitably, given the nature of air travel, there will be some spillage, but the whole point of this policy is to make sure the aircraft is awash with as much human waste as possible.

"Anyone who has to expel solids can either turn round in their seat and try and squeeze it into the little magazine pocket, or they can take the magazine and squat in the aisle for a few minutes if that's more comfortable."

He added: "As always, Ryanair's first priority is the health and safety of our staff so we will be giving them climbing boots and crampons so they don't keep slipping in all that fresh dung."

Tom Logan, a frequent flyer from London, said: "I'm really looking forward to loading up on curry and Guinness and then going off like a muck spreader the next time I fly to Bratislava."

A spokesman for rivals easyJet said: "Letting people shit and piss all over the plane… no, I don't think we'll be doing that."

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Tea Lady Makes Villa Debut

ASTON Villa boss Martin O'Neill last night defended fielding a 69 year-old tea lady in central defence after his side were dumped out of the Uefa cup.

Margaret Gerving, who has been serving delicious refreshments at Villa Park since 1983, said she enjoyed her first outing and that her acrylic hip joints had performed surprisingly well.

The grandmother of eight said: "I'm more of an attacking midfielder but I'm happy to play wherever the boss needs me. I just hope my series of severe angina attacks whenever the ref blew his whistle did not distract the other lads too much."

Mrs Gerving added: "This is my grandson Stuart. He's studying mechanical engineering at Warwick. I don't like his girlfriend though. Very full of herself."

O'Neill opted for an experimental 4-1-0 line up against CSKA Moscow, including Mrs Gerving, two year-old Spiderman enthusiast Kyle Stephenson, the late Danny Blanchflower, and an atom of hydrogen at right-back.

He said: "I wanted Margaret to put her foot on the ball, calm things down and build from the back. I did not expect her to bring a folding chair, a walkman and the audio book of Passion's Promise by Danielle Steel.

"It was probably for the best when the big lad knocked her over and ruptured her colostomy bag."

With Villa fourth in the Premier League, O'Neill said he wanted to rest key players in their push for the title. But Man Utd manager Alex Ferguson described the tactic as 'pissing a fire door shut', adding: "Title-contenders my furious, purple arse."