Screwfix introduces dress code

HARDWARE and building supplies retailer Screwfix has introduced a ‘sexy and stylish’ dress code.

The UK’s largest supplier of trade tools will refuse entry to customers who are not looking totally fabulous.

A spokesman said: “The Screwfix vision was always to create a shamelessly elitist haven for the beautiful people of the DIY and building scenes.

“Unfortunately many of our customers fail to make the grade in terms of personal style or physical beauty. We demand more, and that’s why Screwfix is introducing door pickers to exclude anyone who is less than an ‘eight-point-five’.

“If you want access to high-end products like the MK 13-A double plug socket, plus the effortlessly witty banter of our staff, you have to work for it. And yes, that includes ‘Click & Collect’ customers.”

Screwfix’s tough new door policy came into effect this weekend when model and TV presenter Jodie Kidd was turned away from its Bristol store.

Assistant manager Roy Hobbs said: “Apart from being strictly C list, Jodie was wearing jeans and we only permit vintage workwear. If we’re not sure about someone we might ask them a couple of questions about rawl plugs but in this case it was a firm ‘no’.”

However builder Wayne Hayes said: “They’ve gone totally up their own arses since winning the 2015 Trade Supply Award at a lavish dinner in Kettering.”

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Dad breaks 10-hour silence to recommend using the M69

A FATHER did not say a word during a 10-hour family visit until telling his daughter to use the M69 on the way home.

Carolyn Ryan’s 64-year-old father Pat remained silent throughout the introduction of her new boyfriend, a family meal, the arrival of her brother David, a second family meal and a family argument before suddenly speaking when she put on her coat to leave.

She said: “I’d forgotten he was there, then when I said I’d probably go via Nuneaton to miss the M6 traffic, he said ‘At this time of night?’.

“‘No,’ he said, as if he’d known I was there the whole time, ‘you want to go up the M69, great bit of road the M69, then get on the M1 up to the A50. Never any trouble on the A50’.

“My boyfriend suggested leaving the M69 for the A5, and Dad said that would have been alright before they ‘built the bloody retail park up Tamworth’.”

She added: “It felt like they really bonded during their discussion of how ‘shithouse’ the A523 is, even though ‘idiots’ think it’ll be a short cut.”