Typical glass of British tap water now 70 per cent ham

ORDINARY British tap water is now mostly ham, experts have confirmed.

The Institute of Studies found that with most forms of ham being 70 per cent water, it was now also the same the other way around.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our tests were pretty conclusive. There is definitely more ham in there than you realise. In fizzy water it’s closer to 80 per cent.

“And you probably don’t want to know how much we found in flavoured water. Especially the pork flavoured water.”

Water expert, Emma Bradford, added: “As a vegetarian I’m against this, but what am I going to do? Not drink water? I’d die you fool.”

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Romantic massage deeply unpleasant for both parties

A COUPLE who thought giving each other massages would be ‘sexy’ have been left traumatised by the experience.

Nathan Muir and his girlfriend Emma Bradshaw enjoyed a romantic evening and a candlelit dinner, but things took a darker turn when they retired to the bedroom for a sensual back rub.

Bradshaw said: “Obviously I’ve seen Nathan naked loads and had sex with him and everything, but I’ve never seen him splayed out on the bed like a flaccid white dolphin before.

“However, I love him, so I gave it my best shot. I poured oil on him and rubbed it into his back, but it was more like smearing grease onto a cold pork joint before you put it into the oven rather than an incredibly erotic experience.

“Also, there’s seems to be something about massage oil that really highlights the amount of hair on someone’s body, and the weird places they have it. He looked like a wet, balding gorilla by the end.”

Muir said: “By the time she’d finished I felt thoroughly dehumanised. I gave her a cursory rubdown in return, then we went and watched telly in silence for several hours.”

He added: “We will never speak of it again.”