Secret to getting rich ‘is to just keep it a secret’

THE secret to becoming immensely wealthy is to not tell anyone about it, according to a new book.

The Four Steps to Getting Rich by Martin Bishop reveals that three of the steps involve hiring a law firm in Panama and then just keeping it a secret.

Step 1: Make a bit of money by gambling on the stockmarket – or just inherit it.

Step 2: Hire a lawyer in Panama, but don’t tell anyone about it.

Step 3: Get the lawyer in Panama to hide all your money.

Step 4: Make sure the lawyer in Panama keeps doing it.

Bishop added: “It is a very short book. And come to think of I probably shouldn’t have just given you the entire contents like that.

“Could you do me a favour and buy it anyway?”

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Give back everything you bought with foreign aid, say tight bastards

COUNTRIES must give back anything they bought with foreign aid from the UK, mean-spirited Britons have demanded.

After the UK was revealed to have overspent on overseas aid, tightwads now want developing countries to return items ranging from irrigation systems to pencils for child literacy projects.

Van driver Roy Hobbs said: “It’s not right that countries like Africa are getting all this free stuff when there are kids round here who’d love a fancy water pump to play with.

“They must send them back and pay the postage and packing.”

Accountant Donna Sheridan said: “Taxpayers should be allowed to choose which aid thing they want. I’d like a Nigerian medical centre so I don’t have to wait to see my GP.”

The UK government has promised to send civil servants to reclaim drugs, electricity generators and sacks of rice.

Pakistani villager Naeem Jilani said: “The modern communal toilet was a bit of a luxury, so I’m glad it’s been taken away and turned into downstairs bathrooms in Surrey.

“Sorry for all the expensive stuff we’ve scrounged off Britain. We were really getting up ourselves with our flashy well.”