Shame about that business of yours, says Sir Philip Green to wife

A COMPLETELY uninvolved Sir Philip Green has casually mentioned the impending collapse of the Arcadia Group to their owner, his wife Tina. 

The couple were breakfasting on their yacht in Monaco when Philip spotted a headline about Arcadia, which he has no financial interest in whatsoever and indeed has barely heard of.

He continued: “Yes, apparently Topshop’s going tits up. Isn’t that one of yours?

“I seem to remember visiting it a couple of times and getting roped into some launch photos or something, even though I’m not connected to it in any way and that’s legally watertight.

“How’s the pension fund? Not that I’d know or anything. But hasn’t been left a few hundred million light or anything, has it? Still not my problem.

“Rude of me to bring it up, really. It’s your business, I shouldn’t go sticking my nose in. Pass the butter?”

Topshop employee Grace Wood-Morris said: “I don’t know how Sir Philip’s so rich when it’s his wife owns all the businesses. She must be really generous.”

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UK to reintroduce wolves, wild boar and The Cheeky Girls

THE UK’s rewilding programme will reintroducing wolves, wild boar and the Romanian pop duo The Cheeky Girls to uninhabited areas. 

All former natives to the UK driven out by humans, the three species will have an immeasurably positive impact on the ecosystems which they used to thrive.

Conservationist Dr Stephen Malley said: “Since the disappearance of The Cheeky Girls from the UK landscape, we have seen a catastrophic loss of wildlife. We believe the two are linked.

“Just as we previously failed to appreciate the effect losing apex predators would have further down the food chain, we did not understand how novelty identical-twin pop duos no longer getting hits would affect everything from the fallow deer to the water boatman.

“The former Popstars: The Rivals contestants will be released into Delamere Forest and we hope they’ll be able to restore the optimism of the Blair years to the delicate balance of nature.

“This is only possible because we’ve been able to eradicate Lembit Opik from the British isles. Please, if you visit those areas, ensure he is not clinging to your car.”

Forest ranger Joe Turner said: “Soon we’ll hear the cries of ‘Touch my bum!’ echoing through the trees again, as our ancestors once did.”