Sheepdogs condemn glass ceiling in the workplace

NO sheepdog has ever made the transition to shepherd, it has emerged.

Border Collie Tom Logan said: “I’m out there busting my arse every day, running like fuck in zig zags until all the sheep are in their pen.

“I only have to look at a flock of sheep and they all sit down. No one knows ovine psychology like I do.

“Why then am I sleeping in an outbuilding next to a sack of potatoes? Because I’m not a biped.”

Logan added: “I could easily run my own flock. I’ve got great ideas for a range of organic marmalade too, but nobody ever listens.

“Every time I try to throw a few ideas in the mix, somebody shuts me up with a biscuit.”

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New iPhone to say nasty things about policemen

THE next version of Apple’s iPhone will have a visceral dislike for the police force.

The tech giant is poised to take over Dr Dre’s Beats headphone company in the hope the Compton rap godfather will redesign the smartphone to be distinctly foul-mouthed in its attitude to community-based law enforcement.

Experts said the next iPhone will use GPS to identify police stations so when the owner walks past, the phone will activate itself and direct a torrent of ‘fucks’ at full volume.

Tom Logan, a tech consultant, said: “Let’s say you find yourself in an emergency situation, you’ve been mugged or burgled, and you want to call the police. The phone won’t let you.

“Instead it will launch into an expletive-ridden lecture about how the police are worse than the criminals and that, if you phone them, you are part of the problem.”

Logan added: “Since Dr Dre’s seminal 1988 collaboration with NWA, it was inevitable that one day he would join forces with the world’s most vanilla brand.

“And I suppose they’ll come up with some big, funky headphones that are also a watch and an internet hat.”