Shelf-stacker going to work with picture of sweetheart in his pocket

A 19-YEAR-OLD Lidl employee is keeping a photo in his pocket of the sweetheart he will marry when this madness is over.

Stephen Malley of Crewe looks at the photo of his one true love Francesca Johnson, who he has been courting for two years, during his breaks and promises he will come back to her one day.

He said: “Franny’s a swell gal and I know she’s still holding a torch for me over there in Market Drayton. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to go there and see her.

“She’s promised to wait. I knew what I was doing when I signed up. You don’t apply to be a part-time grocery associate if you’re not prepared to work through a global pandemic.

“When I’ve finished replenishing the Toilet Duck, sometimes I sit on the empty bog roll pallets out back, blow the harmonica, and think about Franny.

“Then I put that photo in the pocket over my heart, underneath the name badge where they spelled my name wrong. Then I go back out there and face the enemy.”

He added: “I’ve also got loads of photos of her on my phone, but they’re not safe for work in the least.”

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Allotment owners tell society: 'Bow down, bitches'

THE owners of allotments have ordered the rest of Britain to bow down and give them nuff respect for their mad veg-cultivating skills.

All those in possession of patches of fertile growing land and the power to use it have demanded they replace actors, rappers and Love Island contestants as the new heroes of British youth.

Tom Booker, aged 54, said: “Laugh at my gardening kneepads again. I f**king dare you.

“There’s no laughter when I come out of my shed with armfuls of tasty, nutritious swedes. Or when they see I’ve got carrots, potatoes, cabbages and garlic all on the go while they’re having to punch pensioners in the face for flour.”

“Everyone has always assumed I’m some mild-mannered fruit and veg man. Those motherf**kers are about to find out how wrong they were, as me and my harem enjoy ratatouille while they starve.”

Fellow allotment owner Bill McKay said: “People used to mock me for growing the largest marrows in five counties. That’s how twisted and debased the values of the old world were.

“Now, in this new world scythed clean of nonsense like marketing and TikTok, all the kids want to be like me and to learn at my feet. At last all is as it should be.”

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