Thursday, 29th October 2020

Your month-by-month guide to how you'll cope until October

EXPERTS have warned that Britain may be under partial lockdown for the next six months. Here’s how it will go: 

April

Family fun with regular boardgame and movie nights, adults drinking at least five nights a week, still plenty of new shows on streaming, the spirit of the Blitz keeping everyone going.

May

Boardgame night now has a scoreboard and who wins matters a great deal. Each new show on streaming is devoured as hungry wolves would devour a live chicken. UK realises why so many illegitimate children were fathered during the Blitz.

June

The winner of boardgame night is King of the House for a week, and all others subject to their savage whims and punishments. Occasional new shows are incomprehensible in their depiction of a world where people could leave the house and touch.

July

Rebellion against the rightful king has divided the house into several warring factions, each of which keeps to their own darkened room. Boardgame burned and partially eaten. Television shunned and called as ‘the picture that lies’. Nobody washing anything except, obsessively, their hands.

August

The discovery of a unopened tube of Texas BBQ Pringles makes everyone realise how insane they’ve become, wash off the body paint, put down their home-made spears and reconvene civilisation. All gather to watch ‘Quarantine Families Go Mental’, the new show on ITV2.

September

With the end in sight sanity is recovered, the concepts of work and school and outside are reintroduced and Britain prepares to pretend this whole period of mass lunacy never happened, like after the funeral of Princess Diana. Then Boris Johnson announces it’s no-deal Brexit so we’ll be doing it all again in three months.