Your inexplicable and unnecessary coronavirus email from the Daily Mash

HELLO. Eight years ago you gave us your email address, so like every other business you’ve ever interacted with we’re sending a baffling and pointless coronavirus email. 

We want you to know that despite the coronavirus, we’re still working hard for you. We know that despite everything, it is still crucial that Boris Johnson be called a fat super-spreading Yeti prick.

Our team are observing travel restrictions and following social-distancing rules to ensure that we’re there when you need us to point out that Michael Gove has not got the virus because he is the virus in human form.

At this challenging time in our nation’s history, it is more important than ever that a steady stream of abuse be directed at everyone you despise, and most certainly the knobhead in Downing Street who infected his own virus-fighting team.

Though our committment to balance remains as strong as ever. When Labour elect a new leader next week, we will be first in line to call him or her a useless piece of shit.

Thank you for reading this email and expect further purposeless emails from ourselves and all other companies over the next few months. Our CEO needs something to do.


The Daily Mash

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Let's enjoy life while we can', says woman about to infect nan with COVID-19

A WOMAN who believes in living life to the fullest will this week infect her 71-year-old grandmother with the coronavirus. 

22-year-old Helen Archer has spent the afternoon at her parents’ house baking cakes and has decided to ignore the restrictions and pop some round to her poor self-isolating nana.

She said: “Something like this makes you realise what’s really important in life. Family.

“I’ve not had any symptons and I’ve had hardly any contact with anyone who has for at least a week, so chances are it’s fine. I’m not willing to live my life in fear.

“Nana seemed a bit worried, but you know old people. They’ve not got that youthful joie de vivre like us young folk. They take things hard.

“So long as I’m healthy, why shouldn’t I enjoy it and share that enjoyment with others? I think it really cheered her up.”

Grandmother Joyce Archer said: “I’m not touching that f**king cake.”