Seven previously innocuous phrases that now strike dread into your heart

NO, not just ‘I can’t shake this cough’ – here are the other once-innocent phrases that now fill you with terror: 

‘Let’s get the kids together on Zoom!’

Thought it would be ‘cute’ to ‘get the kids together’ on Zoom? How quickly you regret it. Children happily shout ‘Hello!’ and wave toys at the screen for 40 minutes as you hide in the porch to escape the cacophonous idiot babble.

‘Can you share your screen?’

Sharing your screen never worked even in the office with IT person a few desks away. Sharing it between 12 people worldwide from your basement flat in Dagenham is not going smoothly.

‘Strange times!’

Really? Nobody had noticed. Everything seems normal. Oh – hold on. No, shit is completely f**ked. Everything’s super weird and horrible. Thanks for pointing it out.

‘Rain’s forecast this week.’

No. No. No. This mad shit was just about bearable when the sun was shining. Under relentless winter rain? Impossible.

‘Your hair looks different.’

That’s because your natural hair colour is showing for the first time in 20 years. And it’s going to get worse. A lot worse. Prepare yourselves.

‘Join my online fitness class!’

Surely one of the few advantages of being confined to your home during a global pandemic is that you can slob out. Why are people trying to get you fit online? And for free, so you can’t even claim you can’t afford it? Bastards.

‘The Wi-Fi’s down.’

Some things are too horrible to contemplate. It won’t – it can’t – happen. If in doubt, press reset and count to ten, shaking in fear, muttering ‘Please no.’

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The lazy bastard's guide to exercising at home

FEELING cooped up but still can’t be bothered to work out? Here’s how to exercise in a half-arsed way from your own home.

Watch fitness videos

Burn calories vicariously by watching people show you how to tone up on YouTube. Not only can you do this ‘activity’ whilst sitting down, you can kid yourself that it’s preparation for a regimen you will never start.

Make a cup of tea

This simple exercise will stretch your legs slightly as you trudge from the sofa to the kitchen. You’ll spend a couple of minutes on your feet while the water boils and work at least two muscles whilst squeezing the teabag. Then it’s time to hit the couch again, chief. You’ve earned it.

Increase your wanking quota

You’re probably already doing it loads anyway, but it’s time to up your game. The average round of self-abuse burns roughly six calories, so bash one out half a dozen times a day to exercise away a single crisp.

Grab a snack

By now you’ve probably worked up quite an appetite, so refuel the engines by stuffing a snack into your face. Digesting food burns calories, after all. Don’t feel guilty if you need to leave your home for some more biscuits; just think of all the steps you’re racking up.

Go to sleep

Rest is just as important as exertion when it comes to staying fit and healthy, so make time to sleep excessively. If you aren’t tired have a few drinks to will yourself into unconsciousness. It’s a great way to fast forward time until this is all over.