THE budget supposedly benefits the rich at the expense of the ‘poor’. If you can call them that, they’ve got phones, shoes and running water, haven’t they? Anyway, here I explain why more money motivates wealthy people but not the povs.
We are job creators
Thanks to paying almost no tax, I feel so cheerful I have created jobs for my wife, my mistress, her layabout brother, the pretty girl who works at the bar at my golf club and my old uni wingman Hugo. They’re all useless, obviously, but how many jobs do nurses create? None. We need to sack a few to make the others more entrepreneurial.
We’re biologically different to the poor
If a poor person earns more, their natural reaction is to drink cheap cider and stay in bed till 4pm. It’s not their fault, it’s just how their primitive short-termist brains work. Whereas a high-achiever like me automatically starts thinking of profitable new ventures like charging our staff to use the toilets.
The lower our taxes are, the less we have to use tax avoidance schemes
I have to divert funds to offshore tax havens or the government will just fritter it on schools, diversity workshops and lesbian whales. It’s not the money, it’s the principle. Fortunately, Mr Sunak understands the problems of the super-rich and realises it’s better for wealthy people like me to keep our money in the UK and pay a very low rate of income tax, sometimes as much as £80 a year, which I do uncomplainingly.
Tax cuts incentivise us not to go on strike
If you think Tube workers going on strike is bad, imagine the effect if my management consultancy downed tools. The country would grind to a halt without us doing productive work like charging companies large sums of money to lay off a quarter of their staff.
Tax cuts make us free to innovate
We are the innovators, the originators. Recent ideas of mine include ‘Verble’, a daily word puzzle game, ‘Sportify’, in which subscribers can watch sporting fixtures from around the world, and ‘ClikClok’, which does whatever TikTok does. Don’t ask me, I’m getting an unpaid intern to find out.
Imagine if Jeremy Corbyn was in charge
I’m not sure why the Labour leader of two years ago is relevant, but imagine. Just imagine. Terrible, isn’t it?