BRITAINS big four supermarkets are asking shoppers to join them in a massive, deadly war.
The companies have opted for tanks and guns after growing weary of having to change their prices every day.
A spokesman for Asda said: It’s a pain in the arse. Having a proper war will sort everything out.
In a bid to bolster troop numbers the supermarkets are asking shoppers to join their armies with the promise of extra loyalty card points if they survive the first two weeks.
A Sainsburys spokesman said: We think a lot of our customers will be eager to take part in a ground assault on their local Tesco, especially if its been softened-up with an artillery barage.
And theyll get 50 Nectar points which they can use to buy some vine ripened tomatoes, as long as it doesnt cause horrible flashbacks.
It is understood that Tesco is constructing a Viet Cong-style network of tunnels so its shoppers can pop up in the Morrisons cheese aisle and garrotte people. Morrisons has pledged to train its customers in the deadly Korean martial art of ‘Haidong Gumdo’.
The Asda spokesman added: Have you seen our customers? This is going to be a doddle.
Aldi and Lidl stressed they would not be taking part in the war, even though they are both German.
Meanwhile, Waitrose said it will also be sitting it out because its customers are a bunch of middle class, liberal cowards.