Supermarkets recruiting shoppers for actual war

BRITAIN’S ‘big four’ supermarkets are asking shoppers to join them in a massive, deadly war.

The companies have opted for tanks and guns after growing weary of having to change their prices every day.

A spokesman for Asda said: “It’s a pain in the arse. Having a proper war will sort everything out.”

In a bid to bolster troop numbers the supermarkets are asking shoppers to join their armies with the promise of extra loyalty card points if they survive the first two weeks.

A Sainsbury’s spokesman said: “We think a lot of our customers will be eager to take part in a ground assault on their local Tesco, especially if it’s been ‘softened-up’ with an artillery barage.

“And they’ll get 50 Nectar points which they can use to buy some vine ripened tomatoes, as long as it doesn’t cause horrible flashbacks.”

It is understood that Tesco is constructing a Viet Cong-style network of tunnels so its shoppers can pop up in the Morrison’s cheese aisle and garrotte people. Morrison’s has pledged to train its customers in the deadly Korean martial art of ‘Haidong Gumdo’.

The Asda spokesman added: “Have you seen our customers? This is going to be a doddle.”

Aldi and Lidl stressed they would not be taking part in the war, even though they are both German.

Meanwhile, Waitrose said it will also be ‘sitting it out’ because its customers are a ‘bunch of middle class, liberal cowards’.

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Aliens keep putting off Earth visit

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS have as little enthusiasm for coming to Earth as we do for visiting elderly relatives, it has been claimed.

SETI researchers have predicted contact with alien life by 2034, when aliens that have known about us for centuries arrive with a grudging sense of obligation.

Astronomer Tom Booker said: “Like when you visit your nan, ETs will only come because they expect us to be extinct quite soon, which would make them feel bad for not making the effort.

“To them, our philosophy is about as interesting and advanced as your nan’s thoughts on the woman in the bungalow across the road who’s let her tree grow too big.

“The feeling of having to travel millions of light years for a bit of stilted conversation and some cake with a race that knows precisely nothing keeps putting them off.

“They’d rather save their weekend for Barbarella-style psychic orgies, so ‘Earth trip’ is always delayed under some flimsy pretence of their entire fleet of spacecraft needing a service.”