Surfer rescued after 32 hours in office job

A ‘LUCKY’ surfer has been rescued after surviving almost a full week in a soul-destroying position in an insurance office. 

Jules Cook, aged 22, was rescued on Friday lunchtime after spending a harrowing 32 hours adrift in a world actively hostile to him and his ambitions.

He said: “For the first few hours my boarding lifestyle was still in sight, but then the currents of data entry carried me away and I was lost, without a landmark anywhere.

“I clung onto the Mr Zog’s Sex Wax sticker I’d put on my monitor, but by the end of the fourth day I admit there were times I felt it would be better to die.

“When I saw that VW campervan pull up when I was walking to Pret, full of dudes telling me to sack off my bullshit job, at first I thought I was hallucinating. Then it sank in: I’d been saved.”

Cook has spent the last three days recovering in Cornwall but admits he remains traumatised by his ordeal and has difficulty sleeping in the afternoons.

He added: “I can’t even look at an office building, let alone go in one. Never again.”

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May offered me drugs, claims Juncker

EUROPEAN Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker claimed the prime minister offered him a range of narcotics over lunch.

Juncker claimed that May and her Brexit team were ‘clearly high’ during the lunch and repeatedly invited him to join them.

He added: “May said, ‘Let’s make Brexit a success,’ then leaned across the table to offer me the fattest line I’d ever seen, her eyes glittery and unfocused.

“She seemed shocked when I refused, then told me we could sort out all this ‘rights of EU citizens bullshit’ tonight if we wanted because she had some 90 per cent pure MDMA. Again, I declined.

“As I stood to leave she shook hands, then hugged me, then inhaled deeply of my scent while going ‘mmmmmm’, then said she regretted our disagreements.

“I agreed then she smiled and said, hopefully, ‘Ket?’”