Tax return hailed as creative writing masterpiece

HMRC AUDITORS have hailed a self-employed man’s tax return as a masterpiece of contemporary fiction.

Painter and decorator Stephen Malley’s SA100 tax form reveals a sweeping tale of imaginary expenses, forgotten cash payments and pretending to live on a houseboat.

Auditor Julian Cook said: “Again and again Malley took the conventions of truth and flouted them. He had the vision to see expenses where others would never have dreamed of claiming them. 

“It’s the War and Peace of tax returns. If you read just one self-assessment tax return for the fiscal year of 2014-15, make it this one.

“That’s what I told the Specialist Investigations Team anyway.”

However, Malley was oddly modest when he was asked to comment on his masterpiece by fraud prevention officers.

Malley said: “It’s totally autobiographical, everything in it really happened. Well 80 per cent of it at least, some of it comes from memory because I lost the receipts.”

The tax return is currently the subject of a bidding war between publishers, with Malley saying he will go with whoever can pay the advance cash-in-hand.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Estate agent reveals plan to read this month’s GQ for a third time

A 24-YEAR-OLD estate agent has announced that he will be spending tonight reading this month’s GQ magazine for the third time.

Wayne Hayes, who has a Kanye West quote tattooed on his arm, thinks that there were some things in the magazine that he might have missed on the previous two readings.

He said: “There’s a Bullshitter’s Guide to Grime in this issue and that’s something I really think could be useful to me. I don’t really like grime music but I feel like in a modern society, I should know about it.

“They are also showcasing the best new watches of the year and I really want to try and remember what they are called and why they are meant to be so amazing.

“Having the right watch could definitely help me sell houses.

“Also there is a thing on ‘vagina beauty contests’ and that’s got to be worth a third read, if you get what I’m saying.”

He added: “Why read books when you can read GQ multiple times?”