Tesco to stop being passive-aggressively ‘open at night’

TESCO has announced plans to stop grudgingly allowing customers to weave through its all-night shelf-stacking sessions.

The supermarket giant, which keeps a number of stores open 24 hours a day so customers can see for themselves how restocking works, has made the change after staff complaints. 

A spokesman said: “Customers were invited to watch the fascinating process of running a large supermarket after darkness, on the strict condition they do not interfere in any way. 

“But, sadly, a few have not only shouted for help when trapped in a labyrinth of wheeled cages of tinned soups but are actually removing things from the shelves, undoing all our hard work. 

“Add to that their censorious reactions when Darren from the fish counter does the joke where he sticks fresh pollock through the fly of his trousers, and it’s time to draw this to a close.” 

Helen Archer of Newport said: “Closing? But what about when I urgently need a Frozen DVD and Ryvita at 4am?”

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Woman forgets to eat lunch but remembers to tell everyone about it

A WOMAN who claims she didn’t even notice when she skipped a meal has made sure to tell everyone about it.

Systems analyst Donna Sheridan claims she managed to get to 4pm yesterday without thinking about eating food. 

She has since regaled all eighty-seven people in her office with the story of her accidental fasting.

Sheridan said: “I’ve missed friends’ birthdays and blacked-out whole weekend benders, but I have never ever forgotten to eat a meal.

“I came close once when I couldn’t remember whether or not I’d eaten lunch, but then I ended up eating two lunches.

“Today is the happiest day of my life and I want to share it with the world”.

Colleague Norman Steele said: “I get it – for a brief moment in her life, Donna was free from the tyranny of food.

“Now it’s time for her to get back to normal and resume planning life around meals and snacks like the rest of us.”