The Recession Has Gonorrhea, Claims Downing Street

THE recession has a sexually transmitted disease that it has been covering up for years, Downing Street sources have claimed.

Key figures close to prime minister Gordon Brown said the economic downturn was ridden with gonorrhea and clearly not fit to be destroying the nation's living standards.

The venereal disease claim is just the latest in a series of scandals to hit the recession and its team of economic indicators.

Last week Downing Street sources revealed that the wife of consumer price deflation was mentally ill and had been seen crying at drinks parties.

Meanwhile the manufacturing slump has been accused of doing special favours for its boyfriend, the housing crash. And last month the collapse in consumer confidence was hit by rumours of photographs showing it dressed in stockings, while another photo from the 1980s shows it with its face blacked-up, even though Sir Nelson Mandela was still in prison at the time.

Lib Dem treasury spokesman Vince Cable said: "Why, when thousands of unemployed people are fascinated with political gossip, is the government devoting so much time to the recession instead of making up pointless, dirty little lies about the Conservatives?"

But a Downing Street insider insisted the latest revelations would 'destabilise' the recession, even though opinion polls show voters would prefer a combination of economic collapse, mental illness and gonorrhea to another five minutes of the Labour Party in government.

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Jesus Would Have Had An Isa, Claims Archbishop

JESUS was a fiscal conservative who favoured low-yield bonds and secure tax-free investment vehicles, the Archbishop of Canterbury has claimed.

In his Easter address Dr Rowan Williams said the banks had forgotten the central message of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus calls for the independent regulation of the credit rating agencies and condemns all those who offer mortgages at more than three and a half times joint annual salary.

Quoting the Gospel of St Matthew, the archbishop said: "And Jesus did sayeth unto his disciples, 'why hast though forsaken me and taken out yet another credit card with 0% interest for the first six months before rising to 19.8% for all new purchases?

"'Didst thou not hearest my Father when he sayeth you can deposit up to 7,200 shekels a year in an Individual Savings Account?'."

Dr Williams added: "The utter collapse of the entire financial world is God's way of telling us that we don't need iPods, plasma screens, multi-billion pound property portfolios and ornate buildings stuffed full of priceless art and solid gold crucifixes. Hang on, that didn't come out right."

The archbishop also called for Britain to become a monk-based economy using newly-closed factories as production centres for modest amounts of honey and mead.

He said: "No need to go mad. Just enough to keep us all in communion wine, heavy underpants and cassock starch."

Meanwhile in Rome, Pope Benedict use his Easter message to urge the warring factions in the Middle East to put aside their differences, 'except all the ones based on religion, obviously'.