The Recession Has Gonorrhea, Claims Downing Street

THE recession has a sexually transmitted disease that it has been covering up for years, Downing Street sources have claimed.

Key figures close to prime minister Gordon Brown said the economic downturn was ridden with gonorrhea and clearly not fit to be destroying the nation's living standards.

The venereal disease claim is just the latest in a series of scandals to hit the recession and its team of economic indicators.

Last week Downing Street sources revealed that the wife of consumer price deflation was mentally ill and had been seen crying at drinks parties.

Meanwhile the manufacturing slump has been accused of doing special favours for its boyfriend, the housing crash. And last month the collapse in consumer confidence was hit by rumours of photographs showing it dressed in stockings, while another photo from the 1980s shows it with its face blacked-up, even though Sir Nelson Mandela was still in prison at the time.

Lib Dem treasury spokesman Vince Cable said: "Why, when thousands of unemployed people are fascinated with political gossip, is the government devoting so much time to the recession instead of making up pointless, dirty little lies about the Conservatives?"

But a Downing Street insider insisted the latest revelations would 'destabilise' the recession, even though opinion polls show voters would prefer a combination of economic collapse, mental illness and gonorrhea to another five minutes of the Labour Party in government.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The chimes of your personal cock are now sounding twelve.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your foot is on the accelerator and all delays are instantly swept aside, apart from that old lady who was dragged along by her shopping bag for 150 yards.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This new feeling of energy and determination that is bursting out of every pore ended abruptly last night.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Touch base with the fundamentals of home, family and marriage, if only to remind yourself how boring all that domestic shit really is.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You do mean to stay faithful but then you have these moments when you are drunk. Quite a lot of them actually.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Jupiter brings round an empty plastic bottle with the bottom cut off, a bucket, a small metal pipe thing and a large bag of skunk. What's that all about?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The backwards motion of Venus into Pisces suggests something to do with mackerel and anal fun. Yet again.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Saturn thinks you should try making things out of wood. He suggests a coffee table or a spice rack.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Aries will ask you to go over some recent scenarios connected to your love life. Make sure he keeps his hands on the table where you can see them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Yes, there are a lot of things you want to say right now, but that would mean I would have to take the rag out of your mouth.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You need to stay on your toes and be ready for sudden changes of direction, or else stop working as a ballerina.