PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night being urged to distance himself from himself.
Mr Brown is under intense pressure to issue a personal apology to the Conservatives following an attempted dirty tricks campaign by two of his own turds.
Damian McBride, one of the prime minister’s most trusted stools, was forced to quit after sending emails proposing a smear campaign against David Cameron and George Osborne based on unfounded gossip which everyone now assumes to be true.
Derek Draper, the recipient of the emails, emerged from Peter Mandelson’s rectal passage in 1997. He has since been eaten by the prime minister and shat out all over again.
The emails were also copied to Charlie Whelan, one of Mr Brown’s oldest and heaviest evacuations, dumped the morning after an extra-large helping of beef curry at the 1994 TUC conference.
Shadow foreign secretary William Hague said: “Mr Brown cannot go around squeezing out fat, stinking turds all over the Downing Street carpets and then claim they have nothing to do with him.
“You are what you eat, you are what you defecate. You are the turd, the turd is you.”
Meanwhile Alastair Campbell, one of Neil Kinnock’s turds who then went on to shit out Tony Blair in the early 1990s, added: “Their big mistake was not hounding a mentally fragile weapons expert who tried to expose some deliberate lies about an illegal war.”